I got an email a few days ago from a boy in Iceland. At first I did not know how old he was. He was reaching out for help, I think. He did ask, can I trust you? will this email only go to you? I sent him the same reply I send when I get emails like this. If you are going to tell me about abuse, I have to tell the authorities. It is the law and especially if you are under 18years of age. In a couple of days he sent me another email. He said “sorry for waisting your time, I am 16 years old and I do not want the child protection agency to learn about this”… He is not the first under-aged person to reach out to me.
Let me explain. I co-founded a child sexual abuse prevention organization in Iceland in 2004, I moved my family back there (you will see under about or bio) and ran this project for 2 years. I am still a part of it, via the Internet and traveling back and forth. I have talked to thousands of adults and teenagers about child sexual abuse, prevention and my childhood. I give people permission to ask about my abusive childhood any question they would like. It is usually after a talk with teenagers, that I will get an email like this. Someone in the group that I was talking to, knows all to well what I am talking about. This is perhaps the first time they hear someone else speak about it. Describing the exact feelings they have had and the pain and shame that they have felt.
I wrote him back and said. Look – I can not report to the authorities if I do not know your name or where you live. I am however more than happy to listen to you, or read what you would like to write to me. Any qquestions or concerns. Nothing is to bad for me to hear. (God, how often have I wished my mother would have said that to me, when I was a child). It worked. He wrote back! A very sad story of physical and emotional abuse by his step-father from the age of 6. His mother has passed away and he shared that he did not even cry when she died. She did not protect him. This brings tears to my eyes, now. I can relate. I used to feel so angry at my mother for not protecting me from the abuse. I understand today that she did the best she could in a abusive relationship.
He went on about troubles at school and thoughts of hurting himself. At least he is writing about this….getting it out. I wrote him back…shared the things I can relate to and asked him to write more. Told him that the abuse was never ever his fault. That is something that takes a long time to take in. At least for me it did. I thought for years that I was the bad one. I must have done something to deserve this treatment. I processed with my husband. It is hard to know of someone out there in pain, but does not want the help, because then the life he knows will fall apart. Even if it is bad, at least it is what he knows. I can relate to that…can you?
….He wrote back and thanked me for replying to him. Said it was just such a relief to tell someone…and that he heard me speak last year and then realized that the abuse was not his fault. I sat in tears reading his mail. See what we can do when we are willing to speak up, break the silence.! We help others, that may still be stuck with the thoughts that it is their fault.
I love what I do !!!
