back to it

Posted on December 6, 2007 by Svava

It has been a bit since I have written on here.  It is the good old resistance going on.  I did manage to post a little something that I wrote just before thanksgiving.  I know it is good for me to write, it is good for all of us.  Great way to reflect and sometimes see something on paper that you did not know you had in you or were thinking about.  Well I should only speak for me.  I get hard on myself about writing, especially for strangers.  I am not good enough, English not my 1st language and all that.  That is not why I am writing I tell myself.  It is not about that, it is for me to get in the habit of writing and getting sometimes the not so nice feelings out of me.  I do use my journal for most of that.  Since I have decided to start to contribute to a survivor manual, I might as well start contributing to my own blog. 

The survivor manual is the idea of one amazing lady and fellow warrior Angela Shelton http://survivormanual.blogspot.com/  I have known Angela now since 2005.  I have shared here somewhere on the site I think, that seeing her on Oprah gave me the courage to start a non-profit in Iceland.  www.blattafram.is look for the English tab to read about it in English.  I am truly honored to be considered a contributor for her blogg.

On another note, I am loving this great book I am reading about attachment.  The book is called Becoming Attached, Robert Karen, Ph.D.  If you had trauma in your childhood or were separated from you parents when young, this book will help you understand why you are the way you are.  I was placed in a orphanage when I was 2 months until 9 months and it did have affect on me.  I had no idea, but the more I learn about the brain, development, effects of trauma the more compassion I have for me. It helps me to let go of the shame I have around something being wrong with me or I must just not be so smart.  I am reading many books this year about the brain, development and such and I hope to share more as I read on.

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time to give thanks!

Posted on December 6, 2007 by Svava

It has been a while.  Life gets ahead of me sometimes. I have good intentions but not all gets done.  And for me, that is a good thing.  I used to use that as an opportunity to be hard on myself, really hard on myself.  I plan to share what I am up-to these days.  This is just a short list.  Planning another conference in Iceland for may 2008, another trip there in February, a few stewards of children trainings in San Diego and Iceland (see presentations) presentations, started a year long training to lead a workshop…Working in one country while living in another is interesting, but something I am very grateful for.  To do what I love to do, while living where my family wants to live, makes it the best of both worlds.

What do I have to be thankful for this year?  The list is long and it feels good to put it down on paper.  First of all I am very thankful for my family, my incredible husband and three beautiful children.  We have been married for almost 14 years and that is a miracle.  Being married to me has not been easy and I am trying to make up for the hard times now that I look back.  OK, he is not perfect but the perfect man for me.  The only one that could teach me how to trust men again and to know that I am worth loving.  Something I struggled with for a long time.

I am really grateful and proud of myself as a mother.  I think my kids are my teachers.  They are amazing and so different.  I can’t wait to see who they become as adults.  Just today someone looked at me with my son and said how great he is, so expressive and funny.  He is only four, but yes he is and I am very proud of him.

Other grateful things, I have great friendships with some amazing people.  My twin sister (another hard relationship, growing up in abusive household we did not know how to relate to one another, it has been an adventure) my mother-in-law (yes my best friend, hard to believe, but if you only knew her) and of course my husband.  My friend Jeanice, meeting again after 10 years apart and it feels like I have always known her. I am rekindling friendships in Iceland that feel very important to me.  Friends I have known since grade school.  Yes I don’t live there but every-time I am there it feels like I never left.  Through my work I am getting to know some amazing people, survivors that have turned their tough lives into lessons of hope, strength, forgiveness and love.

I am thankful for the place we live in.  We rent a nice house with a yard with an ocean view.  I can not complain at all.  It even has flowers everywhere.  I knew my prayers had been answered when I saw the yard.  I am not a desert person, prefer it green, and lush.  So this yard is my meditation.  Me and the little one go in the yard and garden when the rest of the family is at school and work.

I am thankful for my spirituality.  I am learning a bit now about meditation, power of now, power of intention and the importance of taking care of me first.  What I know now is that my life works better for me and everyone else around me when I take good care of me.  Sounds silly to some, but feeding this body, exercising consistently and resting has been a huge challenge, hence the struggle with my husband.  It is hard to let others love you when you can not love yourself.  Turning this into my life’s work is what I have to do for the sake of my kids.  They are watching me and doing as I do, not as I say.  It has been painful to feel the shame around this issue, but I am on a mission.  A mission to release my family from the shame that was handed to me.  It stops with me.

I plan to spend Thanksgiving with my family or my husbands family and I am looking forward to it.  I love being with them, because I get to be me, I don’t have to be anything else and at this point in my life I am done hanging out with people that don’t want to be authentic and real.  It is just too much work.  I respect people’s paths but I am starting to discriminate who I let into my life.  I don’t have to like everyone nor does everyone have to like me.

I am happy and grateful for all the abundance that I have in my life!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

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Truth heals

Posted on June 27, 2007 by Svava

I met a wonderful woman last saturday. Dr. Deborah King.  I am reading her book called Truth heals.  It is a wonderful book about how our lies can hurt us if not spoken or released.  I went to see Dr. King to get help with shame.  I was abused sexually as a child from the age of 4.  I have spent the last 14 years or so working on recovering from that trauma.

I am actually doing really well in my life now, but I know that my past is still stored in my body.  Healing is an ongoing job!Things that were done to me that were to hard to painful are still burried in my body and unconscious.  Over the last couple of weeks I have felt a wave of shame come over me again and again, and flashbacks of memories.  I am really fortunate that I have a great support system for when I need to reach out or have experiences like this.  So I have been processing my feelings.  I am ready, I know that I needed to feel these feelings and remember.  I have been journaling and doing emotional release work and talking to my little girl or inner child.  But I still felt stuck…like I could not get away from this heavy feeling of shame.

I heard an interview with Dr. King last week and knew after listening to her that I needed to see her.  You can find this interview online at http://ethicalife.com/showsegment.asp?id=166

What struck a cord with me was what Dr. King said about what happens to children that are abuse young, “pleasure becomes linked with shame” She talkes a bit about shame and explains how unresolved issues are stored in our bodies and can often lead to physical symptoms.

I did get to Dr. Kings workshop that she held in LA on Saturday and it was amazing.  She is not only a healer but a wonderful teacher.  It has just been a couple of days since the workshop but I still feel great.  Just such a sense of relief, like a huge burden has been lifted of my shoulders.  I know that reading Dr. Kings book, Truth Heals will help me practice what she teaches at her workshops, focus on being in my body, grounded and do what I can to feel good.  Her web site is http://www.truthheals.com/

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Busy month

Posted on June 7, 2007 by Svava

I have been catching up with myself this last week.  I was in Iceland for two weeks working for the organization I represent Blátt áfram or “straight talk”.  We pulled off our annual conference with some great speakers from the states.  I did share information about this year speakers here on the Prevention page.

It was both rewarding and very inspiring to learn from such knowledgeable people about the issue of child sexual abuse.  The good news and yes there are also good news when it comes to the issue of CSA, that researchers are learning more about how to help both survivors and young adults that abuse others.  Here is a link to an importance presentation that Robert E. Longo refered to  http://www.roblongo.com/ see links and research.  Longo shared new approaches in treating young offenders and that some of the old ways of treatment are now being acknowledged as not the best practice.  Treatment is turning to more holistic approaces and individualized treatments.

If you would like to learn more about the conference I did an interview (online) where I spoke about the conference.  Two of the speakers Robert E. Longo and Shirley Paceley called in and shared from their experience.   http://ethicalife.com/showsegment.asp?id=164

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Courageous action to break the silence!

Posted on April 28, 2007 by Svava

One of the hardest thing to do as a survivor of CSA is to speak openly about the abuse.  I know, it took me twenty years to open up.

I was listening to survivors, step up to an open mic, at SDSU – Take Back The Night on Thursday.  I felt sad listening to the young women and men speak about abuse that had been done to them. It is hard to imagine sometimes what humans can do to other fellow human beings, especially to children.

The other feeling I felt sitting there was the feeling of hope.  I felt so proud of these people, because speaking up – sharing their story – is not only a huge step in healing from CSA but it is also very important for our community.  Survivors provide an important insight into what it takes to prevent CSA.  We can not fix a problem if we do not know where it stems from.  So survivors can educate other adults about what would have made a difference, prevented and likely stopped the abuse!

It was encouraging to know that there are so many courageous people out there.  I know that they are out there!  It was just amazing to see that so many of them made their way to the Aztec center Thursday night.

I do believe that we all want to change for the better and take personal responsibility for our lives.  That is the only way we can change the world we live in, it starts with us!

I felt honored to be asked to speak at Take Back The Night on Thursday. I shared my story as a survivor of CSA. I always focus on the prevention of CSA and shared a few ways we can get educated about the issue to make a difference in the lives of children and adults around us.

The powerpoint screen did not cooperate with me at the event but I had hoped to finish with this poem that I will share here.  I found this in Oprah magazine and it felt appropriate for this event.

This is how we take back our lives!

“Fearlessness may be a gift but perhaps more precious is the courage acquired through endeavour, courage that comes from cultivating the habit of refusing to let fear dictate one´s actions….” Aung San Suu Kyi

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where to draw the line?

Posted on April 12, 2007 by Svava

I live in CA not far from Carlsbad.  The latest news from Carlsbad are about a convicted sex offender that is new in town and wants to practice his faith at a local church in Carlsbad.  You can read more about this here:

NATIONAL | April 10, 2007
Sex Offenders Test Churches’ Core Beliefs
By NEELA BANERJEE
Sustained by the belief that embracing all comers is a living example of Christ’s love, Pilgrim United Church of Christ now faces a profound test of faith.

What I have been noticing is how many people have very strong opinions about this.  Don´t get me wrong, I understand, I also have an opinion about this.  I have to say that it warms my heart how the church in Carlsbad is handling this.  I was also very impressed when our local NPR did a show about this and people called in.  I was thrilled that the media was actually discussing this openly and allowing all sides to be heard.   This is how we will break the silence around the issue of child sexual abuse and change will happen.

As you may notice if you visit the pages on this site, I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.  I was abused from the age of 4 until about 12 at the hands of my stepfather.  He abused me and my twin sister.  Today I have chosen not to have anything to do with him, my kids don´t know him and we pretty much do not speak of him.  He was never taken to court for what he did.  By the time I was ready to take him to court, it was too late.  Statute of limitations!

It has taken me many years to heal and recover from my childhood.  Actually I think it is an ongoing job.  One day I was faced with, in my recovery, that under all the tears, anger and rage, were my feelings and the love I had for my stepfather.

He was not all evil.  He was also kind to me, cared for me and taught me things that I still love and enjoy to this day. This is hard for most of us to understand and sort out.  Usually we are just children when the abuse happens and the world is a black and white place, good or bad.  In order to survive my childhood I turned the black on myself (bad) and the white on most other people, including my step-father that was sometimes good to me.  I knew that this was wrong but if he was sometimes good, then I was the bad one; the one that made him do this to me.  The abuse usually started with kind and loving touches. This was really confusing to me and would be to any child.

As I have done my emotional work and cognitive restructuring along with a constant, gentle reminders to love myself and be good to myself, I have seen the bigger picture. The actions of my stepfather were the result of his terrible childhood.  He was beaten and abused by family members.  He never got the help he needed as a child or young adult.  So what happened? The abuse trickled down and was recycled into our family.  It would have kept going unless someone stopped the cycle of abuse.  That is what I did.  I decided it stops here!

I now have compassion for him and others that abuse others.  It does not mean that I approve of the abuse.  It means that I know that people do not just abuse others for no reason.  Something happened to these individuals along the way and no one noticed or reached out to help them.

So I applaud the church in Carlsbad for creating a safe space for this man to come to practice his faith.  He has been open and honest with the congregation.  This is a wonderful opportunity to learn and to heal for many in that church.  I think they are a great example for others that grapple with this same issue.

So, in my case, or as I see it, the line is a little blurry sometimes.  Every time we exclude, judge or condemn we all loose.  Ok, I am choosing not to have my stepfather in my life, that is where I drew the line, but if he came and apologized, got into therapy and was honest about his actions, I know that I would reconsider because deep down I still care about my stepfather.

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spring break and Disneyland

Posted on April 5, 2007 by Svava

My kids have been out of school this week on spring break.  We thought we would be spending some time at the beach this week or at a nearby park.  No, not this week. 2 out of 3 got colds.  We did go to the doctor, thinking that the 4 yr old had strep.  The rest of us just finished antibiotics after having strep passing through the family.  No, that is not what he has, just a nasty cold and a runny nose. 

We are going to Disneyland tomorrow though and the kids are very excited about it. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everyone is well enough.  I am looking forward to it also.  It is always good to get away, out of the house, away from the routine.  Go out to play!  Something I don´t do enough of, having fun.  I do enjoy playing with my kids, it is my second chance to feeling like a kid.  I had to grow up way to fast as a child.  So we will all have fun at Disneyland tomorrow!

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a reply from Minister of Justice

Posted on April 2, 2007 by Svava

I have shared briefly in a different post about the conference that I am planning for the organization I co-founded in Iceland.

Education + Discussion = Prevention: the best way!
Reykjavík,
Iceland – May 24 – 25, 2007 The objective of the conference is to look at the ways the community can prevent the sexual abuse of children. When faced with the discussion of sexual abuse, people are often limited to their emotional responses of outrage, fear, anger and denial. We have a great responsibility as spokespeople to set a good example and discuss it openly. We do that by drawing attention to the many ways we can learn about and prevent the sexual abuse of children.


I applied for support and funds for this conference from a number of organizations, institutions and ministries in Iceland.  I have also shared that we did get funding from the Ministry of Justice in Iceland.  Actually since then we also got a reply from the Ministry of Health. The Ministry of Justice had replied to our letter to support this conference with a donation from a fund dedicated to human rights issues.  It was very generous and important for this event.

I decided to email the Minister of Justice and thank him personally and ask him to speak at our conference.  There have been important changes in Iceland recently on the statute of limitations on child sexual abuse crimes.  It has been removed all together on the worst offences.  Just fyi – The main role of the Ministry of Justice and Ecclesiastical Affairs (in Iceland ) is to uphold law and order and ensure that civil rights are respected.

Anyway, the Minister did reply to my email.  I was thrilled!  There are elections around the corner and so he did not feel that he could commit to speaking at the conference at this time, but thanked me for the email.  His name is Björn Bjarnason and he has been the Minister of Justice in Iceland since 2003.  He is known for being very active and in touch with the people of Iceland, by personally responding to all the emails he gets.  I guess that is the advantage of serving a country where the population is just over 300 thousand people.  I think it is a wonderful thing!  Can you imagine if you got a personal reply from your senator or president?  That would be a great thing!

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thoughts, planning events and good news

Posted on March 28, 2007 by Svava

It has been busy few days.  I attended my two networking meetings yesterday.  I really enjoy going to these meetings.  Of course both are here in San Diego.  One of the meetings is the Child Abuse Prevention Committee with County of San Diego Commission on Children, Youth and Families.  This group meets one time per month.  It is a great place to learn what is going on around prevention in San Diego.  I have met very nice people there and the meetings are excellent.  They bring in presenters that are working in the field that are sharing what works and resources that we can all benefit from.  It is a place where profesionals and others (like me)  can come together, share their concerns and learn from each other.  The other meeting was the ACTION network or the AN.  This organization is put together of 50 organizations that work together Against Child Trafficking & the Prostitution of Teens in Our Neighborhoods.  Both these organizations are a great place to be and let me know if you would like to learn more about them.  I am new in town, but at both these meetings are wonderful people with a true passion for their work.  I made a couple of good connections at the meetings yesterday.  A school counselor for a small school district and a person from a local church.  They are both a great fit for the Stewards of Children training.  You can check it out online www.darknesstolight.org

I was also at these meetings to share about the child abuse prevention training, Stewards of Children that we are providing on on april 14th 2007. When I say we I mean, the members of Authentic Voices International in San Diego, www.ethicalife.com and others.  Just hoping to get the word out that the training is available and needed!  I am not one that tries to re-create the wheel.  I belive in working together and if there is something out there that we can all get behind to support, because it works, then why starting from scratch?  Wasting time and money!  That is how I have done what I have done….in a short amount of time.  See I am just a survivor trying to help.  That sounded like a victim stance.  It is more that,  today I see the gift in my path, my pain and what happened to me.  I don´t wear it on my sleeve any more, I want to change how peopel see and feel about this issue and especially make people aware of the fact that it is happening all around us and we need to change that and we can!!

So the good news today.  My sister (twin) that has worked with me (the two of us are the co-founders) on the project (Blátt áfram) in Iceland sent me email and shared that the Ministry of Justice is giving us just over $10 thousand dollars towards the conference that we are planning for this may.

I was so happy!  I have been waiting for a while for a reply from about four of the ministries in Iceland that I applied to for money for this conference!  I think I shared in an earlier post that I am planning our annual conference that will be held the 24 and 25 of May.  The conference is called Education + discussion = Prevention; is the best way!  It was my mother in law that put that title together for me.

We have invited some great speakers.  Robert E Longo  www.saperi.us, Shirley Paceley www.illinoisvoices.com , David Burton and John Patterson www.nonprofitrisk.org .  You should google them and see what you find.  They are all unique and bring a wonderful and important message to the issue of child sexual abuse prevention.  I will add their web sites under my favorites soon.  It is getting late. I tend to do my work very early in the am or very late in the pm when the kids are in bed.  Especially at night I can spread out on the couch, watch CSI and type on the computer.  Aside from the dentist appointment today…it was a great day!

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reaching out, or

Posted on March 22, 2007 by Svava

I got an email a few days ago from a boy in Iceland.  At first I did not know how old he was.  He was reaching out for help, I think. He did ask, can I trust you? will this email only go to you?  I sent him the same reply I send when I get emails like this.  If you are going to tell me about abuse, I have to tell the authorities.  It is the law and especially if you are under 18years of age.  In a couple of days he sent me another email.  He said “sorry for waisting your time, I am 16 years old and I do not want the child protection agency to learn about this”…  He is not the first under-aged person to reach out to me. 

Let me explain.  I co-founded a child sexual abuse prevention organization in Iceland in 2004, I moved my family back there (you will see under about or bio) and ran this project for 2 years.  I am still a part of it, via the Internet and traveling back and forth.  I have talked to thousands of adults and teenagers about child sexual abuse, prevention and my childhood.  I give people permission to ask about my abusive childhood any question they would like.  It is usually after a talk with teenagers, that I will get an email like this.  Someone in the group that I was talking to, knows all to well what I am talking about.  This is perhaps the first time they hear someone else speak about it.  Describing the exact feelings they have had and the pain and shame that they have felt.  

I wrote him back and said.  Look – I can not report to the authorities if I do not know your name or where you live.  I am however more than happy to listen to you, or read what you would like to write to me.  Any qquestions or concerns.  Nothing is to bad for me to hear.  (God, how often have I wished my mother would have said that to me, when I was a child).  It worked.  He wrote back!  A very sad story of physical and emotional abuse by his step-father from the age of 6.  His mother has passed away and he shared that he did not even cry when she died.  She did not protect him.  This brings tears to my eyes, now.  I can relate.  I used to feel so angry at my mother for not protecting me from the abuse.  I understand today that she did the best she could in a abusive relationship.  

He went on about troubles at school and thoughts of hurting himself.  At least he is writing about this….getting it out.  I wrote him back…shared the things I can relate to and asked him to write more.  Told him that the abuse was never ever his fault.  That is something that takes a long time to take in.  At least for me it did.  I thought for years that I was the bad one.  I must have done something to deserve this treatment.  I processed with my husband.  It is hard to know of someone out there in pain, but does not want the help, because then the life he knows will fall apart.  Even if it is bad, at least it is what he knows.  I can relate to that…can you?

….He wrote back and thanked me for replying to him.  Said it was just such a relief to tell someone…and that he heard me speak last year and then realized that the abuse was not his fault.  I sat in tears reading his mail.  See what we can do when we are willing to speak up, break the silence.!  We help others, that may still be stuck with the thoughts that it is their fault.  

I love what I do !!!

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