Speak4Change

It has been a while since I wrote or shared on my blog.  It is amazing how much is happening and how good things are.  I am truly blessed and I feel very grateful for my life – all of it.  I am going to share here a presentation that I held at the IVAT conference in San Diego in September.  I titled it Love is the Lesson!  That is one of my favorite quotes of all time.  It is so simple and says it all, I think.   For me it has been to learning how to love myself, so I can receive love and then to give it back.  That is what life is all about!

If you have any feedback or suggestions like always I am open.  My goal for sharing this is to encourage people to get involved in prevention and to inspire other survivors to get help if they have not already and not give up on the long hard process.  Healing from trauma can be done – If I can do it – So can you!

Thank you for being here. My name is Svava Brooks and I am a survivor of CSA and I am truly excited to be here with you today. I think I can say after listening to Julie Brand yesterday that I am a resilient survivor.

I named my submission to the conference love is the lesson from one of my favorite quotes. After years of healing I realized that I was the one who needed to stop treating myself the way I had been treated, stop thinking about myself in a negative way and that I was the only thing standing in the way of receiving and experiencing love – Because I did not think that I could have it. So the lesson to Love myself, to know I deserve Love and that I can be loved by others and give love to others. I am going to share with you how I got there.

Having attended a few sessions here at the conference, I love hearing how important it is for us to tell our story, all of us have a story to tell.

Before I start I want to acknowledge that talking and listening to the topic of CSA is hard on all of us. It is painful and sad and us all being human, we have a natural human reaction to what we are hearing. I want to encourage you to pay attention to how you are feeling for the next 30 minutes. Please remember to breathe and stay grounded. If you start to feel uncomfortable, just notice and if you have a friend that you can talk to after I ask that you please do that for yourself.

I also want to tell you that that to the degree that you are comfortable or uncomfortable here, determines how open you are to the possibility of noticing signs of abuse in your life. So just notice and if you are uncomfortable, know that you are having a normal human reaction to something painful but you can do something about it.

So let’s all take a deep breath. Thank you!

I plan to tell you my story and how telling my story over the years has changed how I see and feel about myself, my story and my life. Today I am very grateful for my life – all of it. I am happily married, almost 15 years, to a survivor of sexual abuse and together we have 3 amazing children.

It has not been easy but I understand now, that it was all perfect and I needed this experience, and I needed to overcome my life experience, or to chose what I did as a result of my experience, to be of service to others and that is what I am here to do.

I want to say that what I am sharing here today is based on my personal experience, not based on scientific proof. You may not like all of what I have to say and that is fine. Please just take what you like and let the other things go. If nothing else I hope you at least will feel inspired to help with making this world a better place, because that is what I believe we can all do. One person at the time!

Telling my story has been the thread in all the work that I have done to heal myself over the last 15 years or so. I see it as the most important thing any one of us can do to start to understand ourselves and what has happened to us. The process of starting with just trying to find the courage to speak out loud about the unspeakable things that had been done to me and I felt responsible for, even as a little girl. How important just getting it out since the fact that not being able to tell anyone as a child, about what was going on in my home, was worse than the abuse itself. The body heals, but the thoughts and feelings that get left with a child; they fester and eventually get turned on oneself. Then after finally getting it out, speaking the words, realizing that there was a whole range of emotion attached to the story. Then the next phase of telling the story, slowly getting in touch with the feelings and emotions and expressing them. I did a lot of anger and emotional release work.

Then I found myself in this almost self righteous place of protecting my story and my victimhood. I became very attached to it, the processes and the people that supported me in expressing it. For a while I used it as a crutch. This, that or the other, relationship, health problem, financial mess was all because of my story or what had happened to me. The truth is some of it did, but I was acting like I still did not have a choice about it.

Don´t take me wrong this was all important for me to go through, a part of the healing process.

After a while I was able to be objective about my story. And this was important to do. To separate myself from who I thought I was.

I was not my story, it was things that had happened to me, that I was powerless over. Now however it was time to take my power back. To exercise the right I was born with, to choose. I started to choose how I told my story and recognize why I was telling my story. Was it an unmet need I had or did it have a purpose? The truth to me is that the only thing I have power over is myself and how I think, feel and behave. So I needed to take another look at what I thought and felt, about myself, my story, the world and the people in my life.

I started writing my life story again from scratch. I started with birth and up. I had to interview a couple of people since I don´t remember very much from my child hood, except the trauma and the pain. This time around, things started falling into place. I was ready to look at it from a different angle, without defending or protecting it. I was ready to learn from it. The true gift in this process was that I started feeling love and compassion – for myself first and then as a natural outcome for others, my children, my husband, my family, my community.

My mother was young when she got pregnant with me and I was the outcome of a date-rape. It was a scandal in the family and 6 weeks after my mother gave birth to me, I was sent to an orphanage where I stayed to the age of 7 months. My mother would come to the orphanage twice a day, in the morning and evenings, to feed me, so as you can imagine I have a very interesting relationship with food. She did not want to give me up, but a student she could not take care of me at home.

The first trauma I suffered was an unwanted child. I believe today that I knew coming into this world that I was not going to get the love I so much needed and wanted.

The 2^nd trauma was when I was placed in the orphanage at only 6 weeks. When the bonding and safe attachment is crucial for a child to its mother, I was left alone. As I see it, I was already pre-disposed to trauma and abuse when my stepfather came into my life at the age of 2. I was desperate for connection and touch.

I can only remember as young as age 4 and that is when the sexual abuse started. I was abused sexually, physically, emotionally by my stepfather from the ages of 4 until about 12. Then I was old enough to fight him off, but the emotional and physical abuse still went on until I left home to go to JR College.

I never went to sleep feeling safe in my house, always trying to stay on guard, always trying to figure out the next time he would strike. He could be very moody and I became very good at living around this unstable person.

I was raped when I was 15 years old by a 27 year old man. I never told any adult about the rape. I did not expect to get help and the fact was like before I felt partially responsible. As a young woman I abused alcohol and sexual relationships to numb my pain. I would also cut myself as a way to numb the pain.

It was not until I was about 25 years old and had moved to another country when I first told my story and it was kind of a surprise to me how people reacted to what I thought was a no big deal. It was long since over and I did not think it had had any effect on me.

I had run away from my home country Iceland and came to America to go to college. My main way to numb my pain was to work hard. I was going to school and working at least 2 part time jobs. I was feeling depressed and after a suggestion from a friend I went and saw a counselor at my school. I was surprised how my friend reacted to what I had shared, insisting that this could be why I was feeling depressed. In that first counseling session with a student therapist I could barely talk I cried so hard. I was shaking to the core and could not believe that I was expressing what had happened to me to a complete stranger who insisted that I should come back and that I did have a very good reason for being upset.

Seeing that counselor was the beginning of my healing journey. That year I – told most of my closest friends what had happened to me as a child. I did feel like I got a range of reaction to it, some felt sad, some felt surprised because they had never seen me show any sign of trouble or unhappiness. I was really good at making people think that I was fine. I kept telling my story – through college, wrote speeches about it, papers about sexual harassment in the workplace – found a number of ways to express what I had kept as a secret for a very long time and with it found that the cloud of shame was lifting a little bit.

I also learned soon the power of telling your story. I got people’s attention, sympathy, acknowledgement for having gone through something so bad. I started to identify more and more with my story, that I had been mistreated and deserved to be treated well and special because of all that I had been through. I did sit in a self help group for about 5 years were I heard others speak about their abusive childhoods and learned how that was affecting their lives. I still did not connect the dots that who I was at the time was a direct result of what I had been through. I had taken on values, believes and behaviors to survive my childhood. It was not who I was or who I am, it was not what I believed or thought was the right way to behave but there I was. The power of sharing my story in a group with other survivors was a powerful way to be acknowledged for that I was not alone and this was never my fault, and I had nothing to be ashamed of. I started to feel better about me.

It was not until I got married that the effects of the trauma, neglect and abuse really became clear. I knew how to keep a clean house (I used to take care of our house growing up and got attention from my mom by cleaning the house and being a good girl) I knew how to work, but intimacy and closeness with my husband and kids was very hard for me, especially with my husband. I always remember when he told me he could not feel my heart and that he longed for a heart connection with me. I was so ashamed, felt broken and stupid. I attacked him verbally and asked for a picture of it or a book to read about it. It was tough at times but with professional help and our commitment to our kids we made it through. I like to share that loving me was like loving a caged animal. I wanted him to love me but if he got to close I would scratch his eyes out. It took me 12 years to trust that this man, that was trying so hard to love me, was here to stay! Our sex life was really hard on both of us; I tried to avoid it and he, pushed for it. For a long time I would cry and curl up like a child after we would make love. Again, with our commitment to each other, professional help and my drive to heal – I can now say that I have untangled the twisted wires of love, sex and shame.

I did not know how to be close to my kids when I had my 2 girls, now age 15 and 11. I kept them clean, fed and organized. I controlled them and told them what to do. They are still in my house and I now know what a heart connection feels like, I even know what it looks like, and I do practice that with my kids and especially the girls that did not get that from me when they were young. With my 5 year old it came easier because I had done a lot of work by the time he was born.

Through telling my story, over and over, and this time around , understanding the human condition of what happens to a child and later adult that is separated from their mother soon after birth and abused by the people that are supposed to love, trust and protect them. What happens is devastating. I grew up telling myself and believing that there is something wrong with me. I must have done something bad for deserving this treatment. I spent an enormous amount of energy trying to figure out what I had done wrong, how I could protect myself and doing what I thought I needed to do so no one would find out.

This time around writing my story, I felt the compassion the sadness, the grief for this child and the things she had to do to survive. I made a choice to start loving this child, protecting it and nurture it the way it should have been, loved, protected and nurtured. Also writing my story this time around made me see what I strong child, magnificent and brilliant child this was. To go through all this and be a relatively healthy, nurturing, productive adult. I was resilient alright!

Now telling my story is not an unmet need but a heartfelt purpose of standing up and creating a safe space for others to share that have the same experience. I believe that if I can change as much as I have, then you can. The choice is of course yours!

The tools that I have used along the way have been many and I listed some of them on the handout – the most important thing that I can do for myself every single day is to love and take care of myself first. Every day I start with a routine of eating breakfast (because of my mother coming to the orphanage to feed me, I expected the people that expressed love to me to feed me really resisting taking care of that for myself), I go for a walk or run and then I take about 1 hr with meditation and journaling. This is what I have to do to feel joy and contentment as I go through my day. I have taken responsibility for myself, my emotional, physical and spiritual well being. When I do, I am grateful for my life and have much to give to my friends and family.

My life is a story, but I am choosing the ending, actually to me it is the beginning. When I chose to see the great things about me, and my life, I became bigger, stronger and full of love. My story today is a spiritual journey and I am very grateful for every single day. From that place of accepting what happened, forgiving myself first, for loving myself first, sharing from the heart, and always holding myself to making the choice of the heart – I know I am being of service.

So to all of you – do tell your story – write it, speak it, sing it, dance it – it is a very important process, it is a rollercoaster ride, with its highs and lows. From this day forward are you choosing the story you want to live? Or are you bringing your past into the future?

One of my favorite quotes is Life is the School, Love is the Lesson. In every moment of every day we have an opportunity to learn about love and unity, when we focus on our pain and sorrow we feel alone and disconnected. When we have faith in ourselves, other people, face our fears and ask for help to overcome our fears, we are changing, not just ourselves but the world around us.

I want to leave you with a couple of quotes –

“The only time your growing is if you’re uncomfortable”. T. Harv Eker

It is time to get out of our comfort zone. This world needs changing.

The next one – and I think that this is what is happening here at this conference.

“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” R. Buckminster Fuller.

You can affect way more people to speak up – if you do it first!

So – This is the short version of my life story and how I have healed. Thank you for letting me share and I am happy to answer any questions that you may have. If you would like more information about any of what I spoke about, please send me an email or give me a call. svavabb@gmail.com

Thank you!

Svava Brooks

Svava Brooks – Love is the Lesson! www.speak4change.com

Reccomended books:

These books are helpful to understand the effects of trauma and provide helpful insights and tools on the healing journey. I believe that when we are ready we find the right tool, book and/or teacher.

Book title: Author:

Important study to look up and understand – www.acestudy.org Shows black on white the affects of trauma and neglect.

Recommended healing tools:

· Peer support groups, Ala-non.

· Counselors that are experienced in CSA, trauma and PTSD.

· Inner child work, emotional release work, meditation, lifespan integration, journaling, massage, regular exercise.

· Turn over every stone when it comes to understanding the effects trauma has had on you, your life and your relationships.

· Become an expert in YOU! Understanding your physical, emotional, and spiritual well being. You are unique with your own special needs and talents. Find your true self and you will find your gifts and your purpose.

· Make it your mission to discover your fears and face them. Most of them are not real in the moment fears. They are links from your past that are holding you back.

· Remember – You are enough! You can do this – I believe in you!