speak4change

Time goes by pretty fast these days.  I can not believe that June is almost over.  Well, kids are out of school and I am adjusting to a new routine with them.  We are busy hanging out swimming and barbecuing. This is the last summer before my youngest enters school.  Big transition for the whole family!

The conference in Iceland in May was a great success.  I am very thankful the wonderful speakers that traveled from the states to help us educate Icelanders about the issue of CSA and prevention.  Below is a picture taken at the conference reception hosted by the CPA of Iceland at the end of the conference.  The CPA of Iceland was one of the partners of the conference. Here is a link to the conference site, presentations from the conference and links to interviews with the presenters. http://blattafram.is/displayer.asp?page=270&Article_type=Frettir&p=ASP\Pg270.asp

Conference Sponsors:  Government CPA (www.bvs.is) , Blátt Áfram (a non-profit, child sexual abuse prevention organization www.blattafram.is), Reykjavík University (www.RU.is), National Association of Intellectual Disabilities (www.throskahjalp.is), Primary Health Care of the Capital Area (www.heilsugaeslan.is), The emergency telephone number organization 112 (www.112.is), SAFT (www.saft.is) and Vodafone (www.vodafone.is)

On the picture from left to right: Karen, Sigrdiur Bjornsdottir, Svava Bjornsdottir Brooks, Justin Berry, Karen Anderson, Shirley Paceley, Dr. Vincent Felitti and Bragi Gudbrandsson (head of CPA in Iceland)

 The objective of the conference is to look at the ways the community can prevent the sexual abuse of children.  When faced with the discussion of sexual abuse, people are often limited to their emotional responses of outrage, fear, anger and denial.  We have a great responsibility as spokespeople to set a good example and discuss it openly.  We do that by drawing attention to the many ways we can learn about and prevent the sexual abuse of children.

 Dr. Felitti presented the Ace study.  Before he arrived to Iceland we had sent out a translation of the ACE study questionnaire to about 200 University students.  The outcome or comparison was interesting but not really that surprising.  Abuse and trauma takes place in most countries.

 ace-scores-in-us-vs-iceland  See for yourself.  I think the impact for the people attending the conference and hearing this from Dr. Felitti himself was amazing.  You can not but sit and wonder after you hear the facts.  The effects of trauma are devestating and long lasting.  Prevention is crucial and it needs to start with early child hood or parenting education.  Here is a copy of the ACE questions.  whats_my_ace_score_questionnaire  Also check out www.acestudy.org

If you ever have an opportunity to hear Dr. Felitti speak, you should take it.  I highly recommend it!

Now I am getting ready for the next conference that I am participating in.  Here in San Diego, CA in September.  www.ivatcenter.org    I will be presenting on my work in Iceland, doing a video session for Darkness to Light, Stewards of Children prevention training and talking about the process of healing and recovery from CSA.  The last topic is probably what I like the most.  I get to speak from the heart and share my personal experiences about the healing journey.  It has been a tough journey but every single step has been worth it.  I look forward to share with others what has worked for me.  Together we are stronger!

T. Harv Eker:  “The only time you’re growing is if you’re uncomfortable.”   I used this quote when opening the conference in Iceland and asked the participants to remember that it takes courage to address the issue of CSA but the good news is that if you are feeling uncomfortable you are starting to think out of the box or are getting out of your comfort zone.  That is the only way things can change! 

I have not written a post in a while.  I am writing, just not here.  I actually resisted for a long while to write.  Something about it being permanent.  If I wrote it down it must be true.  Now I am actually really enjoying writing.  Just a little bit everyday as I practice meditating.  Write about observations when I manage to be present in the moment.   I want to share something I wrote for a nice newsletter that has to do with the survivors of child sexual abuse and violence.  I did the writing of the article I submitted but asked my wonderful husband to edit.  He is a great writer and I usually ask him to read things that I am about to submit to the world.  But take a look  http://www.menspeakoutnow.com/WSOissue5.pdf  It is called, All journeys begin with a single step.  Please also check out the web site and their message.  It is an important one.

What else am I upto these days?  I am reading a long list of books.  Good books.  Really good books.  I keep thinking, whow..this is the best book I have read in a long time, and then another and then another.  Hmmm…I think there is something to be said about when the student is ready the teacher shows up.  That is what I am feeling when I am find myself in awe from learning from these books.  So what are some of these books.  I will post some of them under my favorite but let me start with this one.  Becoming Attached, Robert Karen Ph.D. It took a few months to read but I cried when I was done.  It was really powerful reading for me. 

I was placed in an orphanage as an infant for about 6 months or so.  I never even considered that that could have had an impact on me.  So reading this book, opened up an awareness and understanding of how I had taken on some behavior or believes as a very little girl about the world and my place in it.   Long story short it was profound for me to read.  I felt a rush of gratitude for having found this book and the information in it.  My compassion for myself grew and my understanding of why I have struggled with intimacy also grew.  I have communicated this to my husband and we now both feel more compassion for one another based on what we have learned and try to provide what was missing as we grew up as children.  A safe person to attach to!

If you feel like you struggle with being close to people and push people away, even the ones that you know you love and want to be close to, this book is good to read. 

I wanted to share briefly what I am working on right now.  While reading books about trauma, brain development and healing I am organizing the 3rd annual conference in Iceland.  It will be held again in May.  It is being co-sponsord by the CPA (child protection agency) of Iceland, Reykjavík University and a few other great organizations.  I was very pleased when Dr. Felitti agreed to come to Iceland to present the Ace study.  I have shared on these pages how much impact learning about the Ace study had on me.  All of the things that help me learn about the effects of the trauma I survived are a really good thing.  It all helps me help myself.  The hardest thing for me is to have compassion for myself so the more I learn the easier I am on me.  This was a little side note.  I have a short version of the ACE score questionare that I will post here one day. 

I am just going to copy the - save the date announcement in here - so that I don´t have to type that up all over again and if you think you know of someone interested in attending or perhaps speaking (at a future conference) please do not hesitate to contact me at svavabb@gmail.com

For those who don’t know I am a co-founder for a non-profit in Iceland called Blatt afram or straight forward.  www.blattafram.is english  Our mission is to prevent CSA through education and awareness.

Prevention is the best way – Conference in Reykjavík – Iceland, May 15-16, 2008.

Education + discussion = Prevention

Our 3^rd annual conference on child sexual abuse prevention will be held at Reykjavik University in May 2008.

The objective of the conference is to look at the ways the community can prevent the sexual abuse of children.  When faced with the discussion of sexual abuse, people are often limited to their emotional responses of outrage, fear, anger and denial.  We have a great responsibility as spokespeople to set a good example and discuss it openly.  We do that by drawing attention to the many ways we can learn about and prevent the sexual abuse of children. 

Presenters:

Shirley Paceley, trainer, counselor, author and the founder and director of Blue Tower Training Center, which provides training, consultation and resources on an international basis.  She has a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology and 33 years experience working with persons with disabilities.  Shirley has received numerous awards for her work in sexual abuse prevention and intervention for persons with developmental disabilities. For more information about Shirley Paceley, go to www.bluetowertraining.com

Dr. Vincent Felitti, Physician, Department of Preventive Medicine Kaiser Permanente Medical Care Program, San Diego, California.  The ACE Study is an ongoing collaboration between the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente.  Led by Co-principal Investigators Robert F. Anda, MD,  MS, and Vincent J. Felitti, MD, the ACE Study is perhaps the largest scientific research study of its kind, analyzing the relationship between multiple categories of childhood trauma (ACEs), and health and behavioral outcomes later in life.  For more information about Dr. Felitti, go to www.acestudy.org

Justin Berry.  At 13, Justin was lured by pedophiles into sexual performances in front of a home webcam.  His story was featured in a front-page article in the New York Times in December, 2005, as well as on Oprah Winfrey, the Today show, Good Morning America and numerous other programs. Justin is now 20 years old. He received the Courage in the Media Award from the International Violence, Abuse and Trauma Conference in San Diego.  For more information about Justin Berry, go to http://justinberry.tv

Conference Sponsors:  Government CPA, Blátt Áfram (a non-profit, child sexual abuse prevention organization), Reykjavík University, National Association of Intellectual Disabilities and more.

The complete conference schedule, once confirmed, will be available online at www.blattafram.is (English/conference).  If you would like more information about the conference, participation or registration please email Svava@blattafram.is

It has been a bit since I have written on here.  It is the good old resistance going on.  I did manage to post a little something that I wrote just before thanksgiving.  I know it is good for me to write, it is good for all of us.  Great way to reflect and sometimes see something on paper that you did not know you had in you or were thinking about.  Well I should only speak for me.  I get hard on myself about writing, especially for strangers.  I am not good enough, English not my 1st language and all that.  That is not why I am writing I tell myself.  It is not about that, it is for me to get in the habit of writing and getting sometimes the not so nice feelings out of me.  I do use my journal for most of that.  Since I have decided to start to contribute to a survivor manual, I might as well start contributing to my own blog. 

The survivor manual is the idea of one amazing lady and fellow warrior Angela Shelton http://survivormanual.blogspot.com/  I have known Angela now since 2005.  I have shared here somewhere on the site I think, that seeing her on Oprah gave me the courage to start a non-profit in Iceland.  www.blattafram.is look for the English tab to read about it in English.  I am truly honored to be considered a contributor for her blogg.

On another note, I am loving this great book I am reading about attachment.  The book is called Becoming Attached, Robert Karen, Ph.D.  If you had trauma in your childhood or were separated from you parents when young, this book will help you understand why you are the way you are.  I was placed in a orphanage when I was 2 months until 9 months and it did have affect on me.  I had no idea, but the more I learn about the brain, development, effects of trauma the more compassion I have for me. It helps me to let go of the shame I have around something being wrong with me or I must just not be so smart.  I am reading many books this year about the brain, development and such and I hope to share more as I read on.

It has been a while.  Life gets ahead of me sometimes. I have good intentions but not all gets done.  And for me, that is a good thing.  I used to use that as an opportunity to be hard on myself, really hard on myself.  I plan to share what I am up-to these days.  This is just a short list.  Planning another conference in Iceland for may 2008, another trip there in February, a few stewards of children trainings in San Diego and Iceland (see presentations) presentations, started a year long training to lead a workshop…Working in one country while living in another is interesting, but something I am very grateful for.  To do what I love to do, while living where my family wants to live, makes it the best of both worlds.

What do I have to be thankful for this year?  The list is long and it feels good to put it down on paper.  First of all I am very thankful for my family, my incredible husband and three beautiful children.  We have been married for almost 14 years and that is a miracle.  Being married to me has not been easy and I am trying to make up for the hard times now that I look back.  OK, he is not perfect but the perfect man for me.  The only one that could teach me how to trust men again and to know that I am worth loving.  Something I struggled with for a long time. 

I am really grateful and proud of myself as a mother.  I think my kids are my teachers.  They are amazing and so different.  I can’t wait to see who they become as adults.  Just today someone looked at me with my son and said how great he is, so expressive and funny.  He is only four, but yes he is and I am very proud of him. 

Other grateful things, I have great friendships with some amazing people.  My twin sister (another hard relationship, growing up in abusive household we did not know how to relate to one another, it has been an adventure) my mother-in-law (yes my best friend, hard to believe, but if you only knew her) and of course my husband.  My friend Jeanice, meeting again after 10 years apart and it feels like I have always known her. I am rekindling friendships in Iceland that feel very important to me.  Friends I have known since grade school.  Yes I don’t live there but every-time I am there it feels like I never left.  Through my work I am getting to know some amazing people, survivors that have turned their tough lives into lessons of hope, strength, forgiveness and love.

I am thankful for the place we live in.  We rent a nice house with a yard with an ocean view.  I can not complain at all.  It even has flowers everywhere.  I knew my prayers had been answered when I saw the yard.  I am not a desert person, prefer it green, and lush.  So this yard is my meditation.  Me and the little one go in the yard and garden when the rest of the family is at school and work.

I am thankful for my spirituality.  I am learning a bit now about meditation, power of now, power of intention and the importance of taking care of me first.  What I know now is that my life works better for me and everyone else around me when I take good care of me.  Sounds silly to some, but feeding this body, exercising consistently and resting has been a huge challenge, hence the struggle with my husband.  It is hard to let others love you when you can not love yourself.  Turning this into my life’s work is what I have to do for the sake of my kids.  They are watching me and doing as I do, not as I say.  It has been painful to feel the shame around this issue, but I am on a mission.  A mission to release my family from the shame that was handed to me.  It stops with me. 

I plan to spend Thanksgiving with my family or my husbands family and I am looking forward to it.  I love being with them, because I get to be me, I don’t have to be anything else and at this point in my life I am done hanging out with people that don’t want to be authentic and real.  It is just too much work.  I respect people’s paths but I am starting to discriminate who I let into my life.  I don’t have to like everyone nor does everyone have to like me.

I am happy and grateful for all the abundance that I have in my life!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

I met a wonderful woman last saturday. Dr. Deborah King.  I am reading her book called Truth heals.  It is a wonderful book about how our lies can hurt us if not spoken or released.  I went to see Dr. King to get help with shame.  I was abused sexually as a child from the age of 4.  I have spent the last 14 years or so working on recovering from that trauma. 

I am actually doing really well in my life now, but I know that my past is still stored in my body.  Healing is an ongoing job!Things that were done to me that were to hard to painful are still burried in my body and unconscious.  Over the last couple of weeks I have felt a wave of shame come over me again and again, and flashbacks of memories.  I am really fortunate that I have a great support system for when I need to reach out or have experiences like this.  So I have been processing my feelings.  I am ready, I know that I needed to feel these feelings and remember.  I have been journaling and doing emotional release work and talking to my little girl or inner child.  But I still felt stuck…like I could not get away from this heavy feeling of shame.

I heard an interview with Dr. King last week and knew after listening to her that I needed to see her.  You can find this interview online at http://ethicalife.com/showsegment.asp?id=166

What struck a cord with me was what Dr. King said about what happens to children that are abuse young, “pleasure becomes linked with shame” She talkes a bit about shame and explains how unresolved issues are stored in our bodies and can often lead to physical symptoms. 

I did get to Dr. Kings workshop that she held in LA on Saturday and it was amazing.  She is not only a healer but a wonderful teacher.  It has just been a couple of days since the workshop but I still feel great.  Just such a sense of relief, like a huge burden has been lifted of my shoulders.  I know that reading Dr. Kings book, Truth Heals will help me practice what she teaches at her workshops, focus on being in my body, grounded and do what I can to feel good.  Her web site is http://www.truthheals.com/

I have been catching up with myself this last week.  I was in Iceland for two weeks working for the organization I represent Blátt áfram or “straight talk”.  We pulled off our annual conference with some great speakers from the states.  I did share information about this year speakers here on the Prevention page. 

It was both rewarding and very inspiring to learn from such knowledgeable people about the issue of child sexual abuse.  The good news and yes there are also good news when it comes to the issue of CSA, that researchers are learning more about how to help both survivors and young adults that abuse others.  Here is a link to an importance presentation that Robert E. Longo refered to  http://www.roblongo.com/  see links and research.  Longo shared new approaches in treating young offenders and that some of the old ways of treatment are now being acknowledged as not the best practice.  Treatment is turning to more holistic approaces and individualized treatments.

If you would like to learn more about the conference I did an interview (online) where I spoke about the conference.  Two of the speakers Robert E. Longo and Shirley Paceley called in and shared from their experience.   http://ethicalife.com/showsegment.asp?id=164

One of the hardest thing to do as a survivor of CSA is to speak openly about the abuse.  I know, it took me twenty years to open up. 

I was listening to survivors, step up to an open mic, at SDSU - Take Back The Night on Thursday.  I felt sad listening to the young women and men speak about abuse that had been done to them. It is hard to imagine sometimes what humans can do to other fellow human beings, especially to children. 

The other feeling I felt sitting there was the feeling of hope.  I felt so proud of these people, because speaking up - sharing their story - is not only a huge step in healing from CSA but it is also very important for our community.  Survivors provide an important insight into what it takes to prevent CSA.  We can not fix a problem if we do not know where it stems from.  So survivors can educate other adults about what would have made a difference, prevented and likely stopped the abuse!

It was encouraging to know that there are so many courageous people out there.  I know that they are out there!  It was just amazing to see that so many of them made their way to the Aztec center Thursday night. 

I do believe that we all want to change for the better and take personal responsibility for our lives.  That is the only way we can change the world we live in, it starts with us!

I felt honored to be asked to speak at Take Back The Night on Thursday. I shared my story as a survivor of CSA. I always focus on the prevention of CSA and shared a few ways we can get educated about the issue to make a difference in the lives of children and adults around us.

The powerpoint screen did not cooperate with me at the event but I had hoped to finish with this poem that I will share here.  I found this in Oprah magazine and it felt appropriate for this event.

This is how we take back our lives!

“Fearlessness may be a gift but perhaps more precious is the courage acquired through endeavour, courage that comes from cultivating the habit of refusing to let fear dictate one´s actions….” Aung San Suu Kyi

I live in CA not far from Carlsbad.  The latest news from Carlsbad are about a convicted sex offender that is new in town and wants to practice his faith at a local church in Carlsbad.  You can read more about this here:

  NATIONAL   | April 10, 2007
Sex Offenders Test Churches’ Core Beliefs
By NEELA BANERJEE
Sustained by the belief that embracing all comers is a living example of Christ’s love, Pilgrim United Church of Christ now faces a profound test of faith.

What I have been noticing is how many people have very strong opinions about this.  Don´t get me wrong, I understand, I also have an opinion about this.  I have to say that it warms my heart how the church in Carlsbad is handling this.  I was also very impressed when our local NPR did a show about this and people called in.  I was thrilled that the media was actually discussing this openly and allowing all sides to be heard.   This is how we will break the silence around the issue of child sexual abuse and change will happen.

 As you may notice if you visit the pages on this site, I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.  I was abused from the age of 4 until about 12 at the hands of my stepfather.  He abused me and my twin sister.  Today I have chosen not to have anything to do with him, my kids don´t know him and we pretty much do not speak of him.  He was never taken to court for what he did.  By the time I was ready to take him to court, it was too late.  Statute of limitations!

It has taken me many years to heal and recover from my childhood.  Actually I think it is an ongoing job.  One day I was faced with, in my recovery, that under all the tears, anger and rage, were my feelings and the love I had for my stepfather.

He was not all evil.  He was also kind to me, cared for me and taught me things that I still love and enjoy to this day.  This is hard for most of us to understand and sort out.  Usually we are just children when the abuse happens and the world is a black and white place, good or bad.  In order to survive my childhood I turned the black on myself (bad) and the white on most other people, including my step-father that was sometimes good to me.  I knew that this was wrong but if he was sometimes good, then I was the bad one; the one that made him do this to me.  The abuse usually started with kind and loving touches. This was really confusing to me and would be to any child.

As I have done my emotional work and cognitive restructuring along with a constant, gentle reminders to love myself and be good to myself, I have seen the bigger picture.  The actions of my stepfather were the result of his terrible childhood.  He was beaten and abused by family members.  He never got the help he needed as a child or young adult.  So what happened? The abuse trickled down and was recycled into our family.  It would have kept going unless someone stopped the cycle of abuse.  That is what I did.  I decided it stops here!

I now have compassion for him and others that abuse others.  It does not mean that I approve of the abuse.  It means that I know that people do not just abuse others for no reason.  Something happened to these individuals along the way and no one noticed or reached out to help them.

So I applaud the church in Carlsbad for creating a safe space for this man to come to practice his faith.  He has been open and honest with the congregation.  This is a wonderful opportunity to learn and to heal for many in that church.  I think they are a great example for others that grapple with this same issue.

So, in my case, or as I see it, the line is a little blurry sometimes.  Every time we exclude, judge or condemn we all loose.  Ok, I am choosing not to have my stepfather in my life, that is where I drew the line, but if he came and apologized, got into therapy and was honest about his actions, I know that I would reconsider because deep down I still care about my stepfather.

My kids have been out of school this week on spring break.  We thought we would be spending some time at the beach this week or at a nearby park.  No, not this week. 2 out of 3 got colds.  We did go to the doctor, thinking that the 4 yr old had strep.  The rest of us just finished antibiotics after having strep passing through the family.  No, that is not what he has, just a nasty cold and a runny nose. 

We are going to Disneyland tomorrow though and the kids are very excited about it. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everyone is well enough.  I am looking forward to it also.  It is always good to get away, out of the house, away from the routine.  Go out to play!  Something I don´t do enough of, having fun.  I do enjoy playing with my kids, it is my second chance to feeling like a kid.  I had to grow up way to fast as a child.  So we will all have fun at Disneyland tomorrow!