Darkness to Light in OR

December 15, 2009 in prevention | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I am packed and ready to go to Medford Oregon in the morning.  I am looking forward to a short break from holiday preparations.  I have never been to Oregon and everyone that I have shared that with tells me that it is very beautiful.

I hope to see a little bit of it, since most of my time will be spent indoors.  I am going there to certify an instructor for Darkness to Light.  I will arrive in the middle of the day before the training so I am hoping to be able to go for a walk and explore.  Who knows perhaps I will find a Christmas  ornament for the tree that can represent my visit.

Training facilitators or certifying instructors is what I love the most, I think, of the jobs that I do, if you can call it that.  Or teach the teachers.  It has been since 2004 when I took my first Darkness to Light Stewards of Children training.  It was in December that I flew from Iceland to Charleston, SC to attend their first facilitator training.

I had found since I started a non-profit in Iceland with my twin sister in April of 2004 that we desperately needed a tool to educate people about child sexual abuse prevention.  We launched the non-profit by sending the 7 steps to protecting our children (available at www.darknesstolight.org) to every home in Iceland.  The hope was that people would start to talk about child sexual abuse.  At home, at work, with their kids, siblings, partners, friends etc.  What happened was, I started getting calls…  You are telling us to talk about this – no one wants to talk about  it  – can you come talk about it?  That was how my public speaking career started.

Then shortly after, when I found that Darkness to Light had another tool, the Stewards of Children training, I knew I had to learn about it.  My presentation, that I still do today, when people tell me they don’t have the time or money to do a 3 hr training for about $35, touches on all the things that are covered in the Stewards training but not with the same detail or comprehension.  Another difference is that I share my personal story and give people permission to ask me questions, any questions about my past, childhood trauma and recovery.  It usually leads to pretty good conversation and more often than not,  people do attend a training following my prevention presentation.  I leave them wanting to learn more.

I am obviously not in Iceland anymore but in CA.  Still working on prevention, getting the word out when I can and now that I have partnered up with Taalk I am finding myself a little more organized about moving things forward in CA.

My family still takes most of my time.  I am very happy to have the time with them, to be there for my kids is what truly gives me the greatest joy of all!

At any rate I am looking forward to meeting new people, seeing a new place and perhaps forming new friendships.  At least I will have more partners in prevention – and if for nothing else I am very grateful for that.  I believe that we can prevent child sexual abuse.  It will not happen over night, but we are slowly getting there.

Year in Summary

November 17, 2009 in Blogging, life, prevention | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It has been awhile since I have posted on here.  Much has happened since the end of 2008.  So far in 2009 I have visited Iceland two times to train facilitators for Darkness to Light and talked to a few hundred teens, trained volunteers for Center for Community Solutions in SD and I joined TAALK as the Program Director in June.

Ever since I came back to the states in 2006 I have been on the lookout for a non-profit that I could join.  I was about to start my own, then found Diane Cranley the founder of TAALK.  www.taalk.org  Diane was already using Darkness to Light programs like I was doing in Iceland and her passion for prevention aligned with my vision.  I feel that there are too many non-profit organizations out there fighting for attention – we are stronger together.  I am very happy to be a part of TAALK.

Right now I am working on getting a community coalition going in San Diego, to give CSA it´s own voice.  There are organizations doing great things for children and adults but to me it feels too often that child sexual abuse prevention is a small item on the agenda.  I have found that I have enormous passion for this issue, for obvious reasons, and the drive to speak out on behalf of survivors and do a fairly decent job of empowering adults when I speak about prevention.

At any rate, I am back to it.  Feel ready to keep it going on variety of topics related to CSA and my own personal healing that I will share.  If you are someone that is interested with prevention, in helping TAALK or myself getting the word out, please let me know, I have a list of projects that can be done over the internet no matter where you are in the world.

Presentation at the IVAT conference in San Diego, CA 2008. Love is the Lesson!

October 26, 2008 in Blogging, family, life, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It has been a while since I wrote or shared on my blog.  It is amazing how much is happening and how good things are.  I am truly blessed and I feel very grateful for my life – all of it.  I am going to share here a presentation that I held at the IVAT conference in San Diego in September.  I titled it Love is the Lesson!  That is one of my favorite quotes of all time.  It is so simple and says it all, I think.   For me it has been to learning how to love myself, so I can receive love and then to give it back.  That is what life is all about!

If you have any feedback or suggestions like always I am open.  My goal for sharing this is to encourage people to get involved in prevention and to inspire other survivors to get help if they have not already and not give up on the long hard process.  Healing from trauma can be done – If I can do it – So can you!

 

Thank you for being here.  My name is Svava Brooks and I am a survivor of CSA and I am truly excited to be here with you today.  I think I can say after listening to Julie Brand yesterday that I am a resilient survivor. 

I named my submission to the conference love is the lesson from one of my favorite quotes.  After years of healing I realized that I was the one who needed to stop treating myself the way I had been treated, stop thinking about myself in a negative way and that I was the only thing standing in the way of receiving and experiencing love – Because I did not think that I could have it.  So the lesson  to Love myself, to know I deserve Love and that I can be loved by others and give love to others.  I am going to share with you how I got there.

Having attended a few sessions here at the conference, I love hearing how important it is for us to tell our story, all of us have a story to tell. 

Before I start I want to acknowledge that talking and listening to the topic of CSA is hard on all of us.  It is painful and sad and us all being human, we have a natural human reaction to what we are hearing.  I want to encourage you to pay attention to how you are feeling for the next 30 minutes.  Please remember to breathe and stay grounded.   If you start to feel uncomfortable, just notice and if you have a friend that you can talk to after I ask that you please do that for yourself. 

I also want to tell you that that  to the degree that you are comfortable or uncomfortable here, determines how open you are to the possibility of noticing signs of abuse in your life.  So just notice and if you are uncomfortable, know that you are having a normal human reaction to something painful but you can do something about it. 

So let’s all take a deep breath.  Thank you!

I plan to tell you my story and  how telling my story over the years has changed how I see and feel about myself, my story and my life.  Today I am very grateful for my life – all of it.  I am happily married, almost 15 years, to a survivor of sexual abuse and together we have 3 amazing children. 

It has not been easy but I understand now, that it was all perfect and I needed this experience, and I needed to overcome my life experience, or to chose what I did as a result of my experience,  to be of service to others and that is what I am here to do.

I want to say that what I am sharing here today is based on my personal experience, not based on scientific proof. You may not like all of what I have to say and that is fine.   Please just take what you like and let the other things go. If nothing else I hope you at least will feel inspired to help with making this world a better place, because that is what I believe we can all do.  One person at the time!

Telling my story has been the thread in all the work that I have done to heal myself over the last 15 years or so.   I see it as the most important thing any one of us can do to start to understand ourselves and what has happened to us.  The process of starting with just trying to find the courage to speak out loud about the unspeakable things that had been done to me and I felt responsible for, even as a little girl.   How important just getting it out since the fact that not being able to tell anyone as a child, about what was going on in my home, was worse than the abuse itself.   The body heals, but the thoughts and feelings that get left with a child; they fester and eventually get turned on oneself.  Then after finally getting it out, speaking the words, realizing that there was a whole range of emotion attached to the story.   Then the next phase of telling the story,  slowly getting in touch with the feelings and emotions and expressing them.  I did a lot of anger and emotional release work.

 

Then I found myself in this almost self righteous place of protecting my story and my victimhood.  I became very attached to it, the processes and the people that supported me in expressing it.  For a while I used it as a crutch.  This, that or the other, relationship, health problem, financial mess was all because of my story or what had happened to me.  The truth is some of it did, but I was acting like I still did not have a choice about it.

Don´t take me wrong this was all important for me to go through, a part of the healing process.

After a while I was able to be objective about my story.  And this was important to do.  To separate myself from who I thought I was.  

I was not my story, it was things that had happened to me, that I was powerless over.  Now however it was time to take my power back.  To exercise the right I was born with, to choose.  I started to choose how I told my story and recognize why I was telling my story.  Was it an unmet need I had or did it have a purpose?  The truth to me is that the only thing I have power over is myself and how I think, feel and behave.  So I needed to take another look at what I thought and felt, about myself, my story, the world and the people in my life.

I started writing my life story again from scratch.  I started with birth and up.  I had to interview a couple of people since I don´t remember very much from my child hood, except the trauma and the pain.  This time around, things started falling into place.   I was ready to look at it from a different angle, without defending or protecting it. I was ready to learn from it.  The true gift in this process  was that I started feeling love and compassion – for myself first and then as a natural outcome for others, my children, my husband, my family, my community.

 

My mother was young when she got pregnant with me and I was the outcome of a date-rape.  It was a scandal in the family and 6 weeks after my mother gave birth to me, I was sent to an orphanage where I stayed to the age of 7 months.  My mother would come to the orphanage twice a day, in the morning and evenings, to feed me, so as you can imagine I have a very interesting relationship with food.  She did not want to give me up, but a student she could not take care of me at home. 

The first trauma I suffered was an unwanted child.  I believe today that I knew coming into this world that I was not going to get the love I so much needed and wanted. 

The 2nd trauma was when I was placed in the orphanage at only 6 weeks.  When the bonding and safe attachment is crucial for a child to its mother, I was left alone. As I see it, I was already pre-disposed to trauma and abuse when my stepfather came into my life at the age of 2.   I was desperate for connection and touch.

 I can only remember as young as age 4 and that is when the sexual abuse started.     I was abused sexually, physically, emotionally by my stepfather from the ages of 4 until about 12.  Then I was old enough to fight him off, but the emotional and physical abuse still went on until I left home to go to JR College.

I never went to sleep feeling safe in my house, always trying to stay on guard, always trying to figure out the next time he would strike.  He could be very moody and I became very good at living around this unstable person.

I was raped when I was 15 years old by a 27 year old man.  I never told any adult about the rape.  I did not expect to get help and the fact was like before I felt partially responsible.  As a young woman I abused alcohol and sexual relationships to numb my pain.  I would also cut myself as a way to numb the pain.

It was not until I was about 25 years old and had moved to another country when I first told my story and it was kind of a surprise to me how people reacted to what I thought was a no big deal.  It was long since over and I did not think it had had any effect on me.

 I had run away from my home country Iceland and came to America to go to college.  My main way to numb my pain was to work hard.  I was going to school and working at least 2 part time jobs.  I was feeling depressed and after a suggestion from a friend I went and saw a counselor at my school.  I was surprised how my friend reacted to what I had shared, insisting that this could be why I was feeling depressed.  In that first counseling session with a student therapist I could barely talk I cried so hard.  I was shaking to the core and could not believe that I was expressing what had happened to me to a complete stranger who insisted that I should come back and that I did have a very good reason for being upset.

Seeing that counselor was the beginning of my healing journey.    That year I – told most of my closest friends what had happened to me as a child.  I did feel like I got a range of reaction to it, some felt sad, some felt surprised because they had never seen me show any sign of trouble or unhappiness.   I was really good at making people think that I was fine.  I kept telling my story – through college, wrote speeches about it, papers about sexual harassment in the workplace – found a number of ways to express what I had kept as a secret for a very long time and with it found that the cloud of shame was lifting a little bit.

I also learned soon the power of telling your story.  I got people’s attention, sympathy, acknowledgement for having gone through something so bad.  I started to identify more and more with my story, that I had been mistreated and deserved to be treated well and special because of all that I had been through.  I did sit in a self help group for about 5 years were I heard others speak about their abusive childhoods and learned how that was affecting their lives.  I still did not connect the dots that who I was at the time was a direct result of what I had been through.  I had taken on values, believes and behaviors   to survive my childhood.  It was not who I was or who I am, it was not what I believed or thought was the right way to behave but there I was.   The power of sharing my story in a group with other survivors was a powerful way to be acknowledged for that I was not alone and this was never my fault, and I had nothing to be ashamed of.  I started to feel better about me.

It was not until I got married that the effects of the trauma, neglect and abuse really became clear.  I knew how to keep a clean house (I used to take care of our house growing up and got attention from my mom by cleaning the house and being a good girl) I knew how to  work, but intimacy and closeness with my husband and kids was very hard for me, especially with my husband.  I always remember when he told me he could not feel my heart and that he longed for a heart connection with me.  I was so ashamed, felt broken and stupid.  I attacked him verbally and asked for a picture of it or a book to read about it.  It was tough at times but with professional help and our commitment to our kids we made it through.  I like to share that loving me was like loving a caged animal.  I wanted him to love me but if he got to close I would scratch his eyes out.  It took me 12 years to trust that this man, that was trying so hard to love me, was here to stay!   Our sex life was really hard on both of us; I tried to avoid it and he, pushed for it.  For a long time I would cry and curl up like a child after we would make love.  Again, with our commitment to each other, professional help and my drive to heal – I can now say that I have untangled the twisted wires of love, sex and shame. 

I did not know how to be close to my kids when I had my 2 girls, now age 15 and 11.  I kept them clean, fed and organized.  I controlled them and told them what to do.  They are still in my house and I now know what a heart connection feels like, I even know what it looks like, and I do practice that with my kids and especially the girls that did not get that from me when they were young.  With my 5 year old it came easier because I had done a lot of work by the time he was born.

Through telling my story, over and over, and this time around , understanding the human condition of what happens to a child and later adult that is separated from their mother soon after birth and abused by the people that are supposed to love, trust and protect them. What happens is devastating.  I grew up telling myself and believing that there is something wrong with me.  I must have done something bad for deserving this treatment.  I spent an enormous amount of energy trying to figure out what I had done wrong, how I could protect myself and doing what I thought I needed to do so no one would find out.

This time around writing my story, I felt the compassion the sadness, the grief for this child and the things she had to do to survive.  I made a choice to start loving this child, protecting it and nurture it the way it should have been, loved, protected and nurtured.  Also writing my story this time around made me see what I strong child, magnificent and brilliant child this was.  To go through all this and be a relatively healthy, nurturing, productive adult.  I was resilient alright! 

 Now telling my story is not an unmet need but a heartfelt purpose of standing up and creating a safe space for others to share that have the same experience.  I believe that if I can change as much as I have, then you can.  The choice is of course yours!

The tools that I have used along the way have been many and I listed some of them on the handout – the most important thing that I can do for myself every single day is to love and take care of myself first.  Every day I start with a routine of eating breakfast (because of my mother coming to the orphanage to feed me, I expected the people that expressed love to me to feed me really resisting taking care of that for myself), I go for a walk or run and then I take about 1 hr with meditation and journaling.  This is what I have to do to feel joy and contentment as I go through my day.  I have taken responsibility for myself, my emotional, physical and spiritual well being.  When I do, I am grateful for my life and have much to give to my friends and family.

My life is a story, but I am choosing the ending, actually to me it is the beginning.  When I chose to see the great things about me, and my life, I became bigger, stronger and full of love.  My story today is a spiritual journey and I am very grateful for every single day.  From that place of  accepting what happened, forgiving myself first, for loving myself first, sharing from the heart, and always holding myself to making the choice of the heart – I know I am being of service.

So to all of you – do tell your story – write it, speak it, sing it, dance it – it is a very important process, it is a rollercoaster ride, with its highs and lows.  From this day forward are you choosing the story you want to live?  Or are you bringing your past into the future? 

One of my favorite quotes is Life is the School, Love is the Lesson.  In every moment of every day we have an opportunity to learn about love and unity, when we focus on our pain and sorrow we feel alone and disconnected.  When we have faith in ourselves, other people, face our fears and ask for help to overcome our fears, we are changing, not just ourselves but the world around us.

I want to leave you with a couple of quotes –

“The only time your growing is if you’re uncomfortable”. T. Harv Eker  

It is time to get out of our comfort zone.  This world needs changing.

The next one – and I think that this is what is happening here at this conference.

“You never change things by fighting the existing reality.  To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.”  R. Buckminster Fuller.

You can affect way more people to speak up – if you do it first!

So – This is the short version of my life story and how I have healed.  Thank you for letting me share and I am happy to answer any questions that you may have.  If you would like more information about any of what I spoke about, please send me an email or give me a call.  svavabb@gmail.com

Thank you!

Svava Brooks

Svava Brooks –  Love is the Lesson!   www.speak4change.com

Reccomended books: 

These books are helpful to understand the effects of trauma and provide helpful insights and tools on the healing journey.  I believe that when we are ready we find the right tool, book and/or teacher.   

Book title:                                                        Author:

Giving the Love that heals

Hendrix and Hunt

Becoming Attached

Karen

Breaking the Cycle

Riggin

Growing up again

Clarke & Dawson

Healing the Shame that Binds you

Bradshaw

The Heart of the soul

Zukav

Women Sex and addiction

Kasl

Mars and Venus together forever

Gray

The Path to Love

Chopra

The Secret of the Shadow

Debbie Ford

Fear no Evil

Pierrakos

Anatomy of the Spirit

Myss

Sacred Contracts

Myss

Truth Heals

King

 Radical Integrity

 Brooks

 Healing your aloneness

Chopich and Paul

Important study to look up and understand – www.acestudy.org  Shows black on white the affects of trauma and neglect.

Recommended healing tools:

·         Peer support groups, Ala-non.

·         Counselors that are experienced in CSA, trauma and PTSD. 

·         Inner child work, emotional release work, meditation, lifespan integration, journaling, massage, regular exercise.

·         Turn over every stone when it comes to understanding the effects trauma has had on you, your life and your relationships.

·         Become an expert in YOU!  Understanding your physical, emotional, and spiritual well being.  You are unique with your own special needs and talents.  Find your true self and you will find your gifts and your purpose.

·         Make it your mission to discover your fears and face them. Most of them are not real in the moment fears.  They are links from your past that are holding you back. 

·         Remember – You are enough!  You can do this – I believe in you!

Conference in Iceland in May

June 27, 2008 in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Time goes by pretty fast these days.  I can not believe that June is almost over.  Well, kids are out of school and I am adjusting to a new routine with them.  We are busy hanging out swimming and barbecuing. This is the last summer before my youngest enters school.  Big transition for the whole family!

The conference in Iceland in May was a great success.  I am very thankful the wonderful speakers that traveled from the states to help us educate Icelanders about the issue of CSA and prevention.  Below is a picture taken at the conference reception hosted by the CPA of Iceland at the end of the conference.  The CPA of Iceland was one of the partners of the conference. Here is a link to the conference site, presentations from the conference and links to interviews with the presenters. http://blattafram.is/displayer.asp?page=270&Article_type=Frettir&p=ASP\Pg270.asp

Conference Sponsors:  Government CPA (www.bvs.is) , Blátt Áfram (a non-profit, child sexual abuse prevention organization www.blattafram.is), Reykjavík University (www.RU.is), National Association of Intellectual Disabilities (www.throskahjalp.is), Primary Health Care of the Capital Area (www.heilsugaeslan.is), The emergency telephone number organization 112 (www.112.is), SAFT (www.saft.is) and Vodafone (www.vodafone.is)

On the picture from left to right: Karen, Sigrdiur Bjornsdottir, Svava Bjornsdottir Brooks, Justin Berry, Karen Anderson, Shirley Paceley, Dr. Vincent Felitti and Bragi Gudbrandsson (head of CPA in Iceland)

Speakers from the conference!

 The objective of the conference is to look at the ways the community can prevent the sexual abuse of children.  When faced with the discussion of sexual abuse, people are often limited to their emotional responses of outrage, fear, anger and denial.  We have a great responsibility as spokespeople to set a good example and discuss it openly.  We do that by drawing attention to the many ways we can learn about and prevent the sexual abuse of children.

 Dr. Felitti presented the Ace study.  Before he arrived to Iceland we had sent out a translation of the ACE study questionnaire to about 200 University students.  The outcome or comparison was interesting but not really that surprising.  Abuse and trauma takes place in most countries.

 ace-scores-in-us-vs-iceland  See for yourself.  I think the impact for the people attending the conference and hearing this from Dr. Felitti himself was amazing.  You can not but sit and wonder after you hear the facts.  The effects of trauma are devestating and long lasting.  Prevention is crucial and it needs to start with early child hood or parenting education.  Here is a copy of the ACE questions.  whats_my_ace_score_questionnaire  Also check out www.acestudy.org

If you ever have an opportunity to hear Dr. Felitti speak, you should take it.  I highly recommend it!

Now I am getting ready for the next conference that I am participating in.  Here in San Diego, CA in September.  www.ivatcenter.org    I will be presenting on my work in Iceland, doing a video session for Darkness to Light, Stewards of Children prevention training and talking about the process of healing and recovery from CSA.  The last topic is probably what I like the most.  I get to speak from the heart and share my personal experiences about the healing journey.  It has been a tough journey but every single step has been worth it.  I look forward to share with others what has worked for me.  Together we are stronger!

T. Harv Eker:  “The only time you’re growing is if you’re uncomfortable.”   I used this quote when opening the conference in Iceland and asked the participants to remember that it takes courage to address the issue of CSA but the good news is that if you are feeling uncomfortable you are starting to think out of the box or are getting out of your comfort zone.  That is the only way things can change! 

Writing,learning and growing

April 2, 2008 in Blogging, family, life, thoughts | Leave a comment

I have not written a post in a while.  I am writing, just not here.  I actually resisted for a long while to write.  Something about it being permanent.  If I wrote it down it must be true.  Now I am actually really enjoying writing.  Just a little bit everyday as I practice meditating.  Write about observations when I manage to be present in the moment.   I want to share something I wrote for a nice newsletter that has to do with the survivors of child sexual abuse and violence.  I did the writing of the article I submitted but asked my wonderful husband to edit.  He is a great writer and I usually ask him to read things that I am about to submit to the world.  But take a look  http://www.menspeakoutnow.com/WSOissue5.pdf  It is called, All journeys begin with a single step.  Please also check out the web site and their message.  It is an important one.

What else am I upto these days?  I am reading a long list of books.  Good books.  Really good books.  I keep thinking, whow..this is the best book I have read in a long time, and then another and then another.  Hmmm…I think there is something to be said about when the student is ready the teacher shows up.  That is what I am feeling when I am find myself in awe from learning from these books.  So what are some of these books.  I will post some of them under my favorite but let me start with this one.  Becoming Attached, Robert Karen Ph.D. It took a few months to read but I cried when I was done.  It was really powerful reading for me. 

I was placed in an orphanage as an infant for about 6 months or so.  I never even considered that that could have had an impact on me.  So reading this book, opened up an awareness and understanding of how I had taken on some behavior or believes as a very little girl about the world and my place in it.   Long story short it was profound for me to read.  I felt a rush of gratitude for having found this book and the information in it.  My compassion for myself grew and my understanding of why I have struggled with intimacy also grew.  I have communicated this to my husband and we now both feel more compassion for one another based on what we have learned and try to provide what was missing as we grew up as children.  A safe person to attach to!

If you feel like you struggle with being close to people and push people away, even the ones that you know you love and want to be close to, this book is good to read. 

organizing our 3rd annual conference in Iceland

December 18, 2007 in Blogging, life | Leave a comment

I wanted to share briefly what I am working on right now.  While reading books about trauma, brain development and healing I am organizing the 3rd annual conference in Iceland.  It will be held again in May.  It is being co-sponsord by the CPA (child protection agency) of Iceland, Reykjavík University and a few other great organizations.  I was very pleased when Dr. Felitti agreed to come to Iceland to present the Ace study.  I have shared on these pages how much impact learning about the Ace study had on me.  All of the things that help me learn about the effects of the trauma I survived are a really good thing.  It all helps me help myself.  The hardest thing for me is to have compassion for myself so the more I learn the easier I am on me.  This was a little side note.  I have a short version of the ACE score questionare that I will post here one day. 

I am just going to copy the – save the date announcement in here – so that I don´t have to type that up all over again and if you think you know of someone interested in attending or perhaps speaking (at a future conference) please do not hesitate to contact me at svavabb@gmail.com

For those who don’t know I am a co-founder for a non-profit in Iceland called Blatt afram or straight forward.  www.blattafram.is english  Our mission is to prevent CSA through education and awareness.

Prevention is the best way – Conference in Reykjavík – Iceland, May 15-16, 2008.

Education + discussion = Prevention

Our 3rd annual conference on child sexual abuse prevention will be held at Reykjavik University in May 2008.

The objective of the conference is to look at the ways the community can prevent the sexual abuse of children.  When faced with the discussion of sexual abuse, people are often limited to their emotional responses of outrage, fear, anger and denial.  We have a great responsibility as spokespeople to set a good example and discuss it openly.  We do that by drawing attention to the many ways we can learn about and prevent the sexual abuse of children. 

Presenters:

Shirley Paceley, trainer, counselor, author and the founder and director of Blue Tower Training Center, which provides training, consultation and resources on an international basis.  She has a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology and 33 years experience working with persons with disabilities.  Shirley has received numerous awards for her work in sexual abuse prevention and intervention for persons with developmental disabilities. For more information about Shirley Paceley, go to www.bluetowertraining.com

Dr. Vincent Felitti, Physician, Department of Preventive Medicine Kaiser Permanente Medical Care Program, San Diego, California.  The ACE Study is an ongoing collaboration between the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente.  Led by Co-principal Investigators Robert F. Anda, MD,  MS, and Vincent J. Felitti, MD, the ACE Study is perhaps the largest scientific research study of its kind, analyzing the relationship between multiple categories of childhood trauma (ACEs), and health and behavioral outcomes later in life.  For more information about Dr. Felitti, go to www.acestudy.org

Justin Berry.  At 13, Justin was lured by pedophiles into sexual performances in front of a home webcam.  His story was featured in a front-page article in the New York Times in December, 2005, as well as on Oprah Winfrey, the Today show, Good Morning America and numerous other programs. Justin is now 20 years old. He received the Courage in the Media Award from the International Violence, Abuse and Trauma Conference in San Diego.  For more information about Justin Berry, go to http://justinberry.tv

Conference Sponsors:  Government CPA, Blátt Áfram (a non-profit, child sexual abuse prevention organization), Reykjavík University, National Association of Intellectual Disabilities and more.

The complete conference schedule, once confirmed, will be available online at www.blattafram.is (English/conference).  If you would like more information about the conference, participation or registration please email Svava@blattafram.is

back to it

December 6, 2007 in life, thoughts | Leave a comment

It has been a bit since I have written on here.  It is the good old resistance going on.  I did manage to post a little something that I wrote just before thanksgiving.  I know it is good for me to write, it is good for all of us.  Great way to reflect and sometimes see something on paper that you did not know you had in you or were thinking about.  Well I should only speak for me.  I get hard on myself about writing, especially for strangers.  I am not good enough, English not my 1st language and all that.  That is not why I am writing I tell myself.  It is not about that, it is for me to get in the habit of writing and getting sometimes the not so nice feelings out of me.  I do use my journal for most of that.  Since I have decided to start to contribute to a survivor manual, I might as well start contributing to my own blog. 

The survivor manual is the idea of one amazing lady and fellow warrior Angela Shelton http://survivormanual.blogspot.com/  I have known Angela now since 2005.  I have shared here somewhere on the site I think, that seeing her on Oprah gave me the courage to start a non-profit in Iceland.  www.blattafram.is look for the English tab to read about it in English.  I am truly honored to be considered a contributor for her blogg.

On another note, I am loving this great book I am reading about attachment.  The book is called Becoming Attached, Robert Karen, Ph.D.  If you had trauma in your childhood or were separated from you parents when young, this book will help you understand why you are the way you are.  I was placed in a orphanage when I was 2 months until 9 months and it did have affect on me.  I had no idea, but the more I learn about the brain, development, effects of trauma the more compassion I have for me. It helps me to let go of the shame I have around something being wrong with me or I must just not be so smart.  I am reading many books this year about the brain, development and such and I hope to share more as I read on.

time to give thanks!

December 6, 2007 in Blogging, family, life, thoughts | Leave a comment

It has been a while.  Life gets ahead of me sometimes. I have good intentions but not all gets done.  And for me, that is a good thing.  I used to use that as an opportunity to be hard on myself, really hard on myself.  I plan to share what I am up-to these days.  This is just a short list.  Planning another conference in Iceland for may 2008, another trip there in February, a few stewards of children trainings in San Diego and Iceland (see presentations) presentations, started a year long training to lead a workshop…Working in one country while living in another is interesting, but something I am very grateful for.  To do what I love to do, while living where my family wants to live, makes it the best of both worlds.

What do I have to be thankful for this year?  The list is long and it feels good to put it down on paper.  First of all I am very thankful for my family, my incredible husband and three beautiful children.  We have been married for almost 14 years and that is a miracle.  Being married to me has not been easy and I am trying to make up for the hard times now that I look back.  OK, he is not perfect but the perfect man for me.  The only one that could teach me how to trust men again and to know that I am worth loving.  Something I struggled with for a long time. 

I am really grateful and proud of myself as a mother.  I think my kids are my teachers.  They are amazing and so different.  I can’t wait to see who they become as adults.  Just today someone looked at me with my son and said how great he is, so expressive and funny.  He is only four, but yes he is and I am very proud of him. 

Other grateful things, I have great friendships with some amazing people.  My twin sister (another hard relationship, growing up in abusive household we did not know how to relate to one another, it has been an adventure) my mother-in-law (yes my best friend, hard to believe, but if you only knew her) and of course my husband.  My friend Jeanice, meeting again after 10 years apart and it feels like I have always known her. I am rekindling friendships in Iceland that feel very important to me.  Friends I have known since grade school.  Yes I don’t live there but every-time I am there it feels like I never left.  Through my work I am getting to know some amazing people, survivors that have turned their tough lives into lessons of hope, strength, forgiveness and love.

I am thankful for the place we live in.  We rent a nice house with a yard with an ocean view.  I can not complain at all.  It even has flowers everywhere.  I knew my prayers had been answered when I saw the yard.  I am not a desert person, prefer it green, and lush.  So this yard is my meditation.  Me and the little one go in the yard and garden when the rest of the family is at school and work.

I am thankful for my spirituality.  I am learning a bit now about meditation, power of now, power of intention and the importance of taking care of me first.  What I know now is that my life works better for me and everyone else around me when I take good care of me.  Sounds silly to some, but feeding this body, exercising consistently and resting has been a huge challenge, hence the struggle with my husband.  It is hard to let others love you when you can not love yourself.  Turning this into my life’s work is what I have to do for the sake of my kids.  They are watching me and doing as I do, not as I say.  It has been painful to feel the shame around this issue, but I am on a mission.  A mission to release my family from the shame that was handed to me.  It stops with me. 

I plan to spend Thanksgiving with my family or my husbands family and I am looking forward to it.  I love being with them, because I get to be me, I don’t have to be anything else and at this point in my life I am done hanging out with people that don’t want to be authentic and real.  It is just too much work.  I respect people’s paths but I am starting to discriminate who I let into my life.  I don’t have to like everyone nor does everyone have to like me.

I am happy and grateful for all the abundance that I have in my life!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Truth heals

June 27, 2007 in Blogging, life, thoughts | Leave a comment

I met a wonderful woman last saturday. Dr. Deborah King.  I am reading her book called Truth heals.  It is a wonderful book about how our lies can hurt us if not spoken or released.  I went to see Dr. King to get help with shame.  I was abused sexually as a child from the age of 4.  I have spent the last 14 years or so working on recovering from that trauma. 

I am actually doing really well in my life now, but I know that my past is still stored in my body.  Healing is an ongoing job!Things that were done to me that were to hard to painful are still burried in my body and unconscious.  Over the last couple of weeks I have felt a wave of shame come over me again and again, and flashbacks of memories.  I am really fortunate that I have a great support system for when I need to reach out or have experiences like this.  So I have been processing my feelings.  I am ready, I know that I needed to feel these feelings and remember.  I have been journaling and doing emotional release work and talking to my little girl or inner child.  But I still felt stuck…like I could not get away from this heavy feeling of shame.

I heard an interview with Dr. King last week and knew after listening to her that I needed to see her.  You can find this interview online at http://ethicalife.com/showsegment.asp?id=166

What struck a cord with me was what Dr. King said about what happens to children that are abuse young, “pleasure becomes linked with shame” She talkes a bit about shame and explains how unresolved issues are stored in our bodies and can often lead to physical symptoms. 

I did get to Dr. Kings workshop that she held in LA on Saturday and it was amazing.  She is not only a healer but a wonderful teacher.  It has just been a couple of days since the workshop but I still feel great.  Just such a sense of relief, like a huge burden has been lifted of my shoulders.  I know that reading Dr. Kings book, Truth Heals will help me practice what she teaches at her workshops, focus on being in my body, grounded and do what I can to feel good.  Her web site is http://www.truthheals.com/

Busy month

June 7, 2007 in Blogging, life, thoughts | Leave a comment

I have been catching up with myself this last week.  I was in Iceland for two weeks working for the organization I represent Blátt áfram or “straight talk”.  We pulled off our annual conference with some great speakers from the states.  I did share information about this year speakers here on the Prevention page. 

It was both rewarding and very inspiring to learn from such knowledgeable people about the issue of child sexual abuse.  The good news and yes there are also good news when it comes to the issue of CSA, that researchers are learning more about how to help both survivors and young adults that abuse others.  Here is a link to an importance presentation that Robert E. Longo refered to  http://www.roblongo.com/  see links and research.  Longo shared new approaches in treating young offenders and that some of the old ways of treatment are now being acknowledged as not the best practice.  Treatment is turning to more holistic approaces and individualized treatments.

If you would like to learn more about the conference I did an interview (online) where I spoke about the conference.  Two of the speakers Robert E. Longo and Shirley Paceley called in and shared from their experience.   http://ethicalife.com/showsegment.asp?id=164