I live in CA not far from Carlsbad. The latest news from Carlsbad are about a convicted sex offender that is new in town and wants to practice his faith at a local church in Carlsbad. You can read more about this here:
NATIONAL | April 10, 2007
Sex Offenders Test Churches’ Core Beliefs
By NEELA BANERJEE
Sustained by the belief that embracing all comers is a living example of Christ’s love, Pilgrim United Church of Christ now faces a profound test of faith.
What I have been noticing is how many people have very strong opinions about this. Don´t get me wrong, I understand, I also have an opinion about this. I have to say that it warms my heart how the church in Carlsbad is handling this. I was also very impressed when our local NPR did a show about this and people called in. I was thrilled that the media was actually discussing this openly and allowing all sides to be heard. This is how we will break the silence around the issue of child sexual abuse and change will happen.
As you may notice if you visit the pages on this site, I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. I was abused from the age of 4 until about 12 at the hands of my stepfather. He abused me and my twin sister. Today I have chosen not to have anything to do with him, my kids don´t know him and we pretty much do not speak of him. He was never taken to court for what he did. By the time I was ready to take him to court, it was too late. Statute of limitations!
It has taken me many years to heal and recover from my childhood. Actually I think it is an ongoing job. One day I was faced with, in my recovery, that under all the tears, anger and rage, were my feelings and the love I had for my stepfather.
He was not all evil. He was also kind to me, cared for me and taught me things that I still love and enjoy to this day. This is hard for most of us to understand and sort out. Usually we are just children when the abuse happens and the world is a black and white place, good or bad. In order to survive my childhood I turned the black on myself (bad) and the white on most other people, including my step-father that was sometimes good to me. I knew that this was wrong but if he was sometimes good, then I was the bad one; the one that made him do this to me. The abuse usually started with kind and loving touches. This was really confusing to me and would be to any child.
As I have done my emotional work and cognitive restructuring along with a constant, gentle reminders to love myself and be good to myself, I have seen the bigger picture. The actions of my stepfather were the result of his terrible childhood. He was beaten and abused by family members. He never got the help he needed as a child or young adult. So what happened? The abuse trickled down and was recycled into our family. It would have kept going unless someone stopped the cycle of abuse. That is what I did. I decided it stops here!
I now have compassion for him and others that abuse others. It does not mean that I approve of the abuse. It means that I know that people do not just abuse others for no reason. Something happened to these individuals along the way and no one noticed or reached out to help them.
So I applaud the church in Carlsbad for creating a safe space for this man to come to practice his faith. He has been open and honest with the congregation. This is a wonderful opportunity to learn and to heal for many in that church. I think they are a great example for others that grapple with this same issue.
So, in my case, or as I see it, the line is a little blurry sometimes. Every time we exclude, judge or condemn we all loose. Ok, I am choosing not to have my stepfather in my life, that is where I drew the line, but if he came and apologized, got into therapy and was honest about his actions, I know that I would reconsider because deep down I still care about my stepfather.
