“I am starting to feel upset with you.” said the only man in the room as he looked at me with a stern eye and his arms and legs crossed. He was sitting with about 15 women. I was almost half way into my presentation about child sexual abuse and had stopped briefly to take a good look around the room to ask if anyone had questions. I do this frequently during my presentations where the topic is often painful and makes people very uncomfortable. When I pause like this, I do suggest that everyone in the room take a deep breath and notice how they feel. Are they in their bodies? Can they feel their feet on the ground, backs on the chair? Is their stomach in a knot and shoulders up to their ears? Very often I get agreeable nods and people feel relieved of the fact that I am acknowledging how everyone is feeling and giving them a chance to do something about it. Just for them to notice how they feel is my point of that exercise. I want them to know and learn in their time with me that to the level that they are uncomfortable with what I am sharing, is the level at which they are ignorant, afraid and in denial about what is going on around them when it comes to the issue of child sexual abuse. This is not a judgment, because what they are having is a normal human reaction, but they may have never until now paid any attention to it or understood it.
At this point in my presentation I have shared some of the hard facts of child sexual abuse:
– 1 out of every 4 girls and 1 out of every 6 boys is abused before their 18th birthday*
– 90% of abusers are someone that the child knows and the family trusts*
At this time, I have also mentioned that individuals that abuse children groom the family and the children they are targeting for abuse. To emphasize my points, I share my personal story of sexual abuse from the age of 4 until I was a teenager. I tell them that it is going to be tough to hear some of the things that I plan to share but I ask if they are willing to take responsibility for themselves while they are there by noticing if they start to feel uncomfortable, to keep breathing, and choosing to stay positive so they can learn something during our time together. Even if they start to feel uncomfortable, afraid or start to question what I am saying, I make them agree to moving forward during the presentation by noticing how they are feeling, bringing it up in the discussion, but making sure they´re open to hearing what they can do to prevent child sexual abuse.
“Can you tell me more about why you are upset?” I ask the man. “You are making me uncomfortable by the thought that I should not trust the people closest to me and I may have to explain to them that I now have different rules on how I want them to interact with my children. What are they going to think of me? I may upset them.” I listened quietly and let the question hang there for a moment and then asked the man, “How do you feel about it?” “I am just not sure what to think at the moment but I am feeling upset that I may have to ruffle some feathers in order to keep my kids safe.”
I am very grateful when I get someone courageous enough to be this honest in front of a group. I thanked him as he kept asking questions. I told him he was creating a learning moment for everyone in the room and the nodding of heads in agreement helped him to see that. I had him thinking. This was good! Earlier, after I asked everyone to introduce themselves and tell me what they wanted to learn from this presentation, I asked how many parents there were in the room or how many had children in their life’s they wanted to protect above anything else.
I asked them to set aside the professional role that brought them to this presentation but to think about how they address this issue in their home, with their kids and circle of influence. How do they talk to their own kids in an age appropriate language about sexual abuse, what it is and what they should do if it happened? Have they as parents and caregivers sorted out the feelings that will come up if your child admits abuse to you. Do you know how to respond? How you respond can make or break the child’s recovery and trust in you!
I know that I bring lots of bad news to my presentation but also good news. The fact is that so many children are being abused, right now, because of fear and denial. When we are told we may not be able to trust the people closest to us or the ones that look and act like family, we become afraid and want to deny it. I am not trying to instill fear in people, but to tell them the truth in a straight forward way, with compassion and understanding and with real examples from my childhood and recovery. When people get to acknowledge in a group that they are not alone in having these fears and that it is painful to hear someone talk about going through abuse, they see they are not alone and see that they can do something about it. People are grateful and empowered!
What I hope to leave people with that come to one of my presentations is that they need to talk to their kids about child sexual abuse. It doesn´t have to be perfect, your best effort is all that you need to start with. Don’t expect your kids to come to you to talk about something they have never heard you talk about. Not only do you need to know the words but also practice so that you are comfortable saying them in front of your children. I did not know the words for what was happening to me as a child. It started when I was so young that I did not know what to ask, or how to describe the abuse. By the time I figured out that something was wrong, it had been going on for so long that I felt that I could not tell. I was too ashamed. Don’t make that mistake! If you are afraid and don’t know where to start, what questions to ask or how to talk to other adults, visit one of the organizations that I work with to learn more or look up our calendar for further trainings.
After the presentation the man came up and thanked me for this new information and he wrote down the names of a few of the books I brought to show him and others what is out there to help us talk about this tough topic. He was grateful and I applauded him for his courage to challenge me and ask questions that perhaps others in the room were thinking but only he had the courage to ask!
Svava Brooks
sbrooks@taalk.org
*Darkness to Light
www.taalk.org – Information on child sexual abuse, recovery and prevention trainings in S-CA.
www.darknesstolight.org – Information on child sexual abuse prevention, online training and prevention training near you.
www.blattafram.is – Information on child sexual abuse prevention in Iceland.
