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One of the hardest thing to do as a survivor of CSA is to speak openly about the abuse. I know, it took me twenty years to open up.
I was listening to survivors, step up to an open mic, at SDSU – Take Back The Night on Thursday. I felt sad listening to the young women and men speak about abuse that had been done to them. It is hard to imagine sometimes what humans can do to other fellow human beings, especially to children.
The other feeling I felt sitting there was the feeling of hope. I felt so proud of these people, because speaking up – sharing their story – is not only a huge step in healing from CSA but it is also very important for our community. Survivors provide an important insight into what it takes to prevent CSA. We can not fix a problem if we do not know where it stems from. So survivors can educate other adults about what would have made a difference, prevented and likely stopped the abuse!
It was encouraging to know that there are so many courageous people out there. I know that they are out there! It was just amazing to see that so many of them made their way to the Aztec center Thursday night.
I do believe that we all want to change for the better and take personal responsibility for our lives. That is the only way we can change the world we live in, it starts with us!
I felt honored to be asked to speak at Take Back The Night on Thursday. I shared my story as a survivor of CSA. I always focus on the prevention of CSA and shared a few ways we can get educated about the issue to make a difference in the lives of children and adults around us.
The powerpoint screen did not cooperate with me at the event but I had hoped to finish with this poem that I will share here. I found this in Oprah magazine and it felt appropriate for this event.
This is how we take back our lives!
“Fearlessness may be a gift but perhaps more precious is the courage acquired through endeavour, courage that comes from cultivating the habit of refusing to let fear dictate one´s actions….” Aung San Suu Kyi
I live in CA not far from Carlsbad. The latest news from Carlsbad are about a convicted sex offender that is new in town and wants to practice his faith at a local church in Carlsbad. You can read more about this here:
NATIONAL | April 10, 2007
Sex Offenders Test Churches’ Core Beliefs
By NEELA BANERJEE
Sustained by the belief that embracing all comers is a living example of Christ’s love, Pilgrim United Church of Christ now faces a profound test of faith.
What I have been noticing is how many people have very strong opinions about this. Don´t get me wrong, I understand, I also have an opinion about this. I have to say that it warms my heart how the church in Carlsbad is handling this. I was also very impressed when our local NPR did a show about this and people called in. I was thrilled that the media was actually discussing this openly and allowing all sides to be heard. This is how we will break the silence around the issue of child sexual abuse and change will happen.
As you may notice if you visit the pages on this site, I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. I was abused from the age of 4 until about 12 at the hands of my stepfather. He abused me and my twin sister. Today I have chosen not to have anything to do with him, my kids don´t know him and we pretty much do not speak of him. He was never taken to court for what he did. By the time I was ready to take him to court, it was too late. Statute of limitations!
It has taken me many years to heal and recover from my childhood. Actually I think it is an ongoing job. One day I was faced with, in my recovery, that under all the tears, anger and rage, were my feelings and the love I had for my stepfather.
He was not all evil. He was also kind to me, cared for me and taught me things that I still love and enjoy to this day. This is hard for most of us to understand and sort out. Usually we are just children when the abuse happens and the world is a black and white place, good or bad. In order to survive my childhood I turned the black on myself (bad) and the white on most other people, including my step-father that was sometimes good to me. I knew that this was wrong but if he was sometimes good, then I was the bad one; the one that made him do this to me. The abuse usually started with kind and loving touches. This was really confusing to me and would be to any child.
As I have done my emotional work and cognitive restructuring along with a constant, gentle reminders to love myself and be good to myself, I have seen the bigger picture. The actions of my stepfather were the result of his terrible childhood. He was beaten and abused by family members. He never got the help he needed as a child or young adult. So what happened? The abuse trickled down and was recycled into our family. It would have kept going unless someone stopped the cycle of abuse. That is what I did. I decided it stops here!
I now have compassion for him and others that abuse others. It does not mean that I approve of the abuse. It means that I know that people do not just abuse others for no reason. Something happened to these individuals along the way and no one noticed or reached out to help them.
So I applaud the church in Carlsbad for creating a safe space for this man to come to practice his faith. He has been open and honest with the congregation. This is a wonderful opportunity to learn and to heal for many in that church. I think they are a great example for others that grapple with this same issue.
So, in my case, or as I see it, the line is a little blurry sometimes. Every time we exclude, judge or condemn we all loose. Ok, I am choosing not to have my stepfather in my life, that is where I drew the line, but if he came and apologized, got into therapy and was honest about his actions, I know that I would reconsider because deep down I still care about my stepfather.
My kids have been out of school this week on spring break. We thought we would be spending some time at the beach this week or at a nearby park. No, not this week. 2 out of 3 got colds. We did go to the doctor, thinking that the 4 yr old had strep. The rest of us just finished antibiotics after having strep passing through the family. No, that is not what he has, just a nasty cold and a runny nose.
We are going to Disneyland tomorrow though and the kids are very excited about it. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everyone is well enough. I am looking forward to it also. It is always good to get away, out of the house, away from the routine. Go out to play! Something I don´t do enough of, having fun. I do enjoy playing with my kids, it is my second chance to feeling like a kid. I had to grow up way to fast as a child. So we will all have fun at Disneyland tomorrow!
I have shared briefly in a different post about the conference that I am planning for the organization I co-founded in Iceland.
Education + Discussion = Prevention: the best way!
Reykjavík,
Iceland – May 24 – 25, 2007 The objective of the conference is to look at the ways the community can prevent the sexual abuse of children. When faced with the discussion of sexual abuse, people are often limited to their emotional responses of outrage, fear, anger and denial. We have a great responsibility as spokespeople to set a good example and discuss it openly. We do that by drawing attention to the many ways we can learn about and prevent the sexual abuse of children.
I applied for support and funds for this conference from a number of organizations, institutions and ministries in Iceland. I have also shared that we did get funding from the Ministry of Justice in Iceland. Actually since then we also got a reply from the Ministry of Health. The Ministry of Justice had replied to our letter to support this conference with a donation from a fund dedicated to human rights issues. It was very generous and important for this event.
I decided to email the Minister of Justice and thank him personally and ask him to speak at our conference. There have been important changes in Iceland recently on the statute of limitations on child sexual abuse crimes. It has been removed all together on the worst offences. Just fyi – The main role of the Ministry of Justice and Ecclesiastical Affairs (in Iceland ) is to uphold law and order and ensure that civil rights are respected.
Anyway, the Minister did reply to my email. I was thrilled! There are elections around the corner and so he did not feel that he could commit to speaking at the conference at this time, but thanked me for the email. His name is Björn Bjarnason and he has been the Minister of Justice in Iceland since 2003. He is known for being very active and in touch with the people of Iceland, by personally responding to all the emails he gets. I guess that is the advantage of serving a country where the population is just over 300 thousand people. I think it is a wonderful thing! Can you imagine if you got a personal reply from your senator or president? That would be a great thing!
